Sunday, January 30, 2005

What to do....

I dont know what to do anymore. I cry almost every day. The love for him has yet to fade away. I pray that the Lord helps me to heal my heart so that I no longer feel the pain that I have been feeling due to the loss of a husband in my life. He will always be my first love. I Just wish that he would be my only love. But he wishes it not...What else is there that I can do? It hurts to know that he doesnt love me anymore....What can I do however? I cant exactly sit and wonder for the rest of my life what i've done wrong.

I know God has a plan for me. But Lord please give me strength as this just is not what I want anymore. I want happiness and love and fun in my life. Right now it seems like it's just a time for me to be completely miserable.


Saturday, January 29, 2005

Is it possible????

Is it anywhere near possible to stop loving someone? I just want to know. I'm sick of waking up each day to an empty bed wishing and praying that it was different. Praying that someone would be there. Someone who I was/am equally yoked with. Someone who loves me for who I am. Someone that I love and care about just as much as he loves and cares about me. God has a plan. but in the meantime am I supposed to be miserable. All I do is think of him. I want him back. I want my life back and most of all I want to go to church again someplace i'm happy about going.

I was asked to leave a church I didnt think I was happy at. After attending various other churches.. Guess what I figured out. I didnt dislike my church. I miss it. I miss friends that I had there. but guess what...he got them in the divorce...why? Because his boss was our pastor. Is it fair? I want my church back, my husband back, my family/inlaws back. but what do I get? I get misery. I feel like i have NOTHING left in my life. Granted I have a twin sister and a nice who love and care for me. I have Christ in my life. But I Feel so incredably empty. Everone says I have to love myself before anyone will ever love me again. Well guess what....feeling empty like I do right now I dont think it's possible.......


Thursday, January 27, 2005

My day...

Sometimes....I just need a reminder that God is here for me..... Thankfully today I"m in a better mood.

Here is what's been going on this week..

Tuesday morning I'm awakened at eight thirty in the morning by the ex. He decided he wants into the house. WHY????? I dunno. But by law I have to give him a key or he can go ahead and call a locksmith then what? We would get into what my attorney called a "pissing contest"not the greatest language I know but I know what she means. I'm to the point where I cant handle the stress anymore. SO I went over to the old house and left a key where he could find it and left him some paperwork he needed to sign for the mortgage company to not foreclose on us. Well I couldn't stress myself anymore on Tuesday so I went ahead and waited until Wens morning and went over there. Praise God he did not do anything to the house except take the tires out of the garage which is what he wanted in the first place. No big deal there. I needed to get rid of them anyways. So after I'm done at the old house yesterday I think OH DARN I didn't get that paperwork he was supposed to leave so I run back into the house and look around....NO PAPERWORK!!!!!!!!!! I'm supposed to have it mailed back to the mortgage company ASAP!!!!!!! so I call his answer....I text message answer....get frustrated..but call the mortgage company and tell him that I'm sending a copy of it with MY signature on it and I'm fighting w/ the ex to get the other signature. He tells me no problem as long as mine is on there..but try to get his. so I wake up this morning (I swear the ex KNOWS when I'm dead asleep!!!) to his text message on my cell phone saying the paperwork is in the mailbox. So I go ahead and since my roommate was already over by the old house I ask her to pick it up. She does it for me for which I'm thankful and get that one mailed to the mortgage company as well today. Why...someone please tell me. Can he not make this any EASIER for me???????