Sunday, June 29, 2008

Regrets?

Ok so there have been some things I have been working on with a lot of help from the doctor. One thing is regrets....He asked me if I have any regrets. I do. I only have a few the biggest one is not a huge deal but it's somewhat frustrating to me.

One is that I never called my Gramma Gray the night before she died. Even though two days before she passed I said I would call her. I got busy with work and life and forgot. When I got the phone call that she died....I was heartbroken. Although I told her I loved her on my last phone call. It was still heartbreaking.

The second, I did not spend enough time telling my Nana how much she meant to me. She and my grandfather both were integril parts in my childhod and between them and my mother and my Grandma gray, they helped to instill an awsesome amount of knowledge and love in my life. She was always there for me and heck everyone else and I have for over a year wondered what if anything anyone in our family could have done to prevent her death.

Other then those two things, I may have a few minor regrets however one of the big ones we discused was if I regeret getting married so young. I had to think about that one. Not because I wondered if I did but I wondered what I would have been had I not gotten married at 17.

I have to say I don't regret it. It took me a long time to get over him. I loved him and still do just not the way I did back then. I wish only the best for him. I know what our life was like. I know that we were very young and I wish in some way that we would have communicated differently and that in the end we had'nt hurt eachother as much as we did. but alas I moved on.

The shrink who I am paying a fortune too asked if the reason I am still so angry stems from the fact that the rumors were spread that I cheated on him. that still to this day haunts me. It hurts me to think that someone would entertain the fact that I cheated on my first husband. I never so much as touched another man except as friends until after we had been seperated for quite a while. No matter what the rumors were I still want to explain myself to him but he will always have his side of the story just as I will.

After losing everything once I am once bitten and twice shy so when i got married the second time I wanted to make sure it would last

I am a strong willed person I am a good person and I can be mean and hateful too when I don't get my way. I'm working on changing that but it sure is not easy. what ever happened to life being easy.