Saturday, May 08, 2010

"The Call"

I don't know if many people have heard this song as it is considered "Country" I heard it for the first time on my way home from work a few months ago. I cried for almost an hour afterwards. My family has been touched by suicide twice in the last five years. And I sometimes wish I knew how I could of stopped it. It's not possible... there will always be those that do it without any notice. Lord how I wish it was possible to spot things easier.
The song is my Matt Kennon ( )
There have been so many times I have picked up a phone and called people becuase I relize that it's been too long since I have talked. I hope that one day I am able to make someone realize that they are loved and when they make a decision to do something... that that decision affects so much more than just them.
When my uncle killed himself in 2005, it affected our entire family, all of his friends, his co-workers/bosses etc. I will forever remember the phone call I got. I will forever remember the last time I had talked to him about a week before he killed himself. I remember talking to him about having gastric bypass surgery and whether he felt it was a good idea. A week later, I never got to tell him how much I loved him, how I appreciated his fight to stay sober for so long. To tell him how much I looked up to him for his strength. To tell him that he was one of the reason's why I never went into drinking or drugs. Because I saw when he fell. But I was so damn proud of him when he rose up after that fall and how he became a Christian and how I envied his faith.
Two years after my uncle killed himself. My grandmother went into a deep depression, she said she wanted to die too. My grandfather took her and checked her into a psychatric care center a few days later they deemed her not a threat to herself. About a week later, my grandfather went to the store, came home and found her in the backyard...dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound.
For the second time in two years (almost exact to the day!) my family suffered a serious loss. I will forever remember, I was sitting at work (just as I was with my uncles death) I was sitting at lunch when the phone call came in. My life stopped in that second that I heard my cousin tell me that she was dead. that it was at her own hand. I cried for an hour. I walked upstairs to my boss and told her I was leaving work. I walked to my car and sat stunned beyond all belief for over an hour. My husband went with me to California. I sat there through the entire ceremony trying to figure out why. Why would my grandmother with children, grandchildren and great grandchildren do this. She had so much...but she had lost all hope, faith..everything when my uncle killed himself.

For the last almost three to five years I have been very angry at my grandmother and uncle for a multitude of reasons. My grandfather lost his son the day my uncle killed himself, and then two years later he lost his wife. My grandfather is 86 years old. It's not fair that he had to go through this. I am so happy that my grandfather is so strong. I love that man more than anything can express. He is the rock of my family. The person that I can always look to for a much calmer response. Wheras i'm an act now think later type of person. He is the calm down and take care of it slowly and weigh out the options type of person. But I can only imagine how he feels every day knowing that his son and wife have left him long before either of them should have.

My grandmother was one of the most supportive people I could have asked for when I was a kid and had severe depression. She was the person who when I went thru my divorce explained how much love I had and how I would get over everything. How God would provide a child for me in his time not mine.

the third (for my grandmother) and fifth (my uncle) anniversaries are coming up at the end of the month. I'm so scared. I'm so angry and I'm so sad... Depression is a horrible horrible thing in our family and as I sit here I am overwhelmed. I am sad. And I wish I could understand. Why...

Please everyone..remember and pray for those that suffer from mental illness..both seen and unseen...