Ups and downs.

I know I know it's been a while.  You try dealing with a 4 year old diabetic, a 16 year old hoodlum and my 15 year old drama queen.  Life this last year has been nothing short of HELL.  I just do not know where to start.

My son moved in with his biological grandmother back in February.  He failed a polygraph as to if he had ever touched his little sister inappropriately.  So he had to go live there.  She decided in June that she did not want to maintain custody of him That he was too much work.  Believe me I get it. He has to go to therapy 4 days a week and it's frustrating having to drive back and forth.  So when it came to what to do, he wasn't going to come back to live in the house with his sisters. Just no way that was going to happen. He refuses to tell the truth, still cannot be honest about his interactions. He refuses to grow up and man up to what he's done to everyone.

A month after that happened, Sarah Dennis and I went to Utah and picked up Sarah's Chocolate Candy. A Diabetic Alert Dog for Sarah.  This dog has alerted from the day we got her.  Literally the first minute she met Sarah it was awesome to see.  I love this dog.  She's beautiful, Funny, happy and a handful all in one.  I have never enjoyed the presence of a dog as much as this one.  She doesn't alert 100% of the time that's more our fault than hers. I don't think we are catching it.  But she does periodically and get's better as we go along.  We have been training her to fetch the meter case when Sarah is low and she does good with that :)

Ashley finished her first year of high school. She is the biggest drama queen, I love her she's such a helper with Sarah I couldn't ask for a better helper.  She know's almost as much as I do about Sarah's pump and insulin testing etc.  It's awesome.  But she is 15 now and driving...ARGHHHH at least with her permit.  And believe me many times I have to close my eye's or look away :).

Fast forward to last month and Jeffery needed some place to live, since he couldn't come home to us since we have the girls, Child Protective Services was the only option.  Jeffery is living in Mesa now in the custody of  CPS, so technically he's a foster child.  He's supposedly doing well however he calls us literally daily and I've had to go out there to deliver medication, get his enrollment paperwork for school and everything else.

And last but not least.  Ashley started her first day of her Sophmore year of school.  I'm not ready for this. I want my baby back. I don't want her to grow up.  Sarah starts school on the 20th. She will be in pre school again but I love her school.  So paying for pre school is totally worth it all :)

Stress-sadness

It's the middle of the year.  It's the time of the year that I lost two of my most favorite people in the world 6 and 8 years ago.  I am in so much pain, I want nothing to do with anyone.  I am snappy to my children and stressed out.  I've alienated friends and seriously don't know how to cope.  The doctor increased my medication but I've not been taking it long enough to see any measurable difference.  I cry constantly. I cry for stupid stuff and my heart truly hurts.

Spent this past weekend at Disneyland with my oldest daughter, my 4 year old daughter and a friend of my oldest daughter.  It was pleasurable but if I stopped for just a second the sadness and stress overwhelmed me.  I hurt in so many ways.  My heart hurts, my head hurts I'm having a very very hard time carrying on.  I'm just plain hateful to my husband, holding anger for misdeeds from long ago. I sleep now more than ever before.  I have no desire to do anything.  Nothing seems to bring me happiness except for a few rare moments with my daughters.

My son is a whole other story.  He's living with his biological grandmother. Has been since February,  this too is part of my sadness.  I miss him. But I am so angry at him.  Angry because at 16 he know's what needs to be done but yet he doesn't seem to care to fix it.  He yells at his father and I like it's our fault he's not home with us.

I feel terrible for my teen daughter. I feel like I am failing her for relying so much on her to help with her little sister.  Diabetes is killing me and i'm not even the one with the disease.  I cry myself to sleep often thinking about my daughter so much so that I cannot function fully during the day and have to ask my teenage daughter to watch her little sister so I can take a nap.  I hate this.  I hate not having control.  I have not being able to be the mother I know I should be.

I hate the fact that I feel like I have absolutely no support from my extended family.  My twin sister and I barely talk. My brother and I had a terrible falling out and he wants nothing to do with me ever again (over something stupid and not my fault but I get blamed anyways)  My mother doesn't care.  I've never been her favorite. I truly believe that part of it is my weight.  I"m not the beautiful daughter.  I'm overweight and she's always been ashamed of me.  She's never outwardly said it but once when I was pregnant with my daughter and I asked her to attend a prenatal appointment and they said my weight outloud I heard my mother say "Jesus Christ Catherine that's ridiculous."....I don't think I was meant to hear it..but I did.  And that leads to another things.
I hate myself.  I'm so overweight. I feel terrible. I feel like I truly am not the beautiful person I know I can be.  I cant seem to resist eating everything. I want to lose weight so bad. but at the same time...I have no willpower.  I have no energy. But then again eating right and exercising costs money...It's not like I can just go outside in the 110 degree weather and take a walk...but by the time the end of the day rolls around and it cools down I just cannot motivate myself to move after working all day then coming home to make dinner and finish off my day...

Two Years......

Two years ago today our lives were normal.  We did not have a clue that in 24 hours our lives would be in such turmoil.  Life was about to change...

Have you ever?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like without diabetes?

Before diabetes I never thought twice about handing my daughter a snack such as gold fish.  I never thought about her taking a drink out of my soda or a juice pack.  I never thought twice about handing her a peanut butter sandwich or a cookie.  I never thought about handing her an apple.

We are heading into our second anniversary since Sarah's diagnosis.  It has changed our lives in so many ways.  But to be honest, not all bad.

I have made so many friends since Sarah was diagnosed with Diabetes.  One family that lives very close to me has a son who is almost a teenager,  the bond that he and Sarah share is beautiful.  He loves her as much as she loves him.  Her eye's light up at the mention of his name.  Every time they meet they hug and I nearly come to tears each time I see them together.  They are 9 years apart, but the bond they have is immeasurable.

I am more aware of what my family is eating.  With diabetes comes carb counting and fat content as well as fiber content.  I know if something will affect her blood sugar more than another thing.  Funny thing is an Oreo cookie does not affect her blood sugar as quickly and as ferociously as an apple does.

I am more aware of the illnesses that are nearly invisible to others.  Things like Celiac's disease (which I had never heard of before Sarah's diagnosis.)  It's amazing all the things that you learn when you have a child who is diabetic.

Many days like today I would love to give diabetes back.  I would love to not have to insert a insulin pump site as my 4 year old squirms to get a better view of the TV all the while telling me I am mean because I am causing her pain.  I would love to be able to take away her pain however it's just not possible.

Today is Sarah's 4th birthday.  as she sits and plays I am amazed by how much she has grown since she was diagnosed. She is so strong.  I wish I had one tenth of the strength that she has.  She is my hero.    

Reaching for the Stars...Or a Diabetic Alert Dog

Sarah will be turning 4 years old on February 24th.  I cannot believe it has almost been two years since she was diagnosed on May 25th, 2011.  At only 27 months our entire world changed.

For months before Sarah's Second birthday we knew something was wrong.  She kept having problems with diaper rashes and being sick off and on.  It was terrible and we could not figure out what was going wrong. The doctor just kept saying that the diaper rashes were yeast infections and that it was completely normal and since she was almost 2 she needed to be potty trained.

Fast forward to her second birthday, her party was planned for the Saturday of her birthday, everything was set to go and suddenly she was very sick,  she had the stomach flu for 3 days and right after that happened she started being very lethargic, would lay in bed for hours just watching TV and sleeping. She would drink huge amounts of water and juice so much that she would literally pee through her diaper sometimes 2 and 3 times a night, she wouldn't eat food  she just really wanted nothing to do with anything.  At her two year appointment she weighed 25 lb's two, almost three months later she was down to 20 lb's.  It was devastating to see my baby girl wasting away and have the doctor just keep telling us that she was fine.

I finally put my foot down and on May 20th I took Sarah to the doctor and complained that they absolutely must figure out what is wrong.  Well since she had eaten food already the doctor said they could not test her for diabetes.  So he sent us home to come back in 5 days after fasting. It was a very long weekend waiting to go back to the doctor on Wednesday.  When we showed up to the doctors office they took us back to the nurses room. My 13 year old daughter was with us as well.  They pulled out a Blood Sugar Meter and poked her finger.  I saw the number... 185...I had no clue what a normal blood sugar number was.  Was it high???  The nurse asked me if we had let Sarah eat or drink anything.  I responded nope...She immediately rushed out of the room and called the doctor downstairs.  She walked back in five minutes later and said that the doctor wanted to see us immediately.  We walked downstairs just knowing something was wrong.  Wishing I had my cell phone (I had left it at home) I text-ed my husband from my oldest daughters cell phone and told him that I had a feeling Sarah was really going to be diagnosed with Diabetes.  (all of the signs above, the losing weight, the excessive thirst just pointed to it happening)  I finally had enough.

Within minutes of getting downstairs the doctor was in the room with us, telling us how sorry he was that he should have accepted my fear and concern.  That we needed to rush home, get clothing and childcare together for the next 3-5 days and rush back across town to Phoenix Children's hospital. We went home and  on the way to the hospital we stopped to get Sarah something to eat as she was crying from hunger. We let her eat part of a corn dog and some diet soda.  Once we got to the hospital when I told them Sarah's name they literally rushed us to a waiting room, Luckily my husbands mom and grandmother met us there to get our two oldest kids from us.  Once in the hospital room they put in an IV and took blood and then had to catheterize her to get urine as she was not potty trained and they needed to check for ketones.

Sarah was quite the trooper over the next 4 days in the hospital.  However her father and I were devastated   We had no idea what we could do to make her feel better. She slept through a lot of the days and we took classes and talked to counselors and muddled through.  I remember on the first night we were in the hospital the nurse came in at 4 am and said that Sarah's blood sugar was over 500 and we needed to give her insulin and since I was awake, now was as good of a time as ever to learn how to do it.  I was laying the the bed with Sarah about to give her a shot...Seriously they thought I should poke her with a needle!!! Seriously!!!  I cried seriously cried that I was going to have to poke her! The nurse drew up the insulin and handed me the needle and said to go for it.  Sarah was asleep, didn't feel a thing.  Things over the next few days got easier. But it sure sucked giving my kid shots and poking her fingers!

Fast forward and it's almost been 2 years since we started this journey.  Last year Sarah got an insulin pump  which has made life a little bit easier.  Sarah now get's insulin through a device that hangs off her belt and a catheter is inserted under her skin every 3 days.  This device leads me to the second most important device that will help us with her diabetes.  A Diabetic Alert Dog. 

A Diabetic Alert dog will change her life. This animal will have the ability to tell us when Sarah's blood glucose is going too low or is even too high.  This dog will be her constant companion 24 hours a day.  Eventually the dog may even get a chance to go to school with her.  Since Sarah is so young, she does not know or cannot convey to us that her blood sugar is low or high.  Low blood sugars below 40 can cause serious issues including killing brain cells and possibly as it goes lower, death.  This dog will be able to tell us when her blood sugar gets to the 80 range which is when she really needs to be corrected.

This dog costs $2000 and is being purchased from a great breeder KC Owens from http://www.tattletailscentdogs.com This woman spends her time imprinting the dogs from the time they are born to know what a low blood sugar smells like and what they should do to alert either the diabetic or the diabetic's partner/parents.

This dog will literally save my daughters life every day.  I cannot wait to get it.  However it costs money. A lot of money,  Money which after paying huge co pays and deductibles each month leaves us with very little left for such a big expense.  Which is why I am coming to my friends on my blog and my friends friends.  Asking for a donation.  Donations can be sent to me via Paypal @ cpittaz@yahoo.com or via a website that we set up for Sarah for donations http://www.gofundme.com/207bkc.  The problem is that there is a fee to use the site and it eats up a lot of the donations.  The third way is to contact the breeder directly at her website and forward a donation to her with Sarah Pittman's name on it. If you would like to talk to me you can email me at my email above or contact me on FaceBook https://www.facebook.com/cgraypittman.  

Thank you!