Monday, December 26, 2016

Merry Christmas.......

Anyone besides myself drugged? Because I'm not sure I should be allowed to facebook/blog and take pain medication. Although I truly feel like calling people out...and this is likely the only time I would ever do it. Feeling melancholy as I feel a combination of jealousy and hatred right now. Wishing that I could read minds and stop having feelings. Wishing it was possible for me to say what I mean and mean what I say. Too often i'm scared to death of what other people think of me. and i'm too afraid to tell people what I feel or why I feel a certain way.

The new year is right around the corner and I feel so damn alone. But that's always how i've felt around people... Alone in a room full of people. But hell i'm so much happier being alone than being married and feeling alone.. Lord how I hated being married. Every day dreading going home. seriously tears practically every night because nothing I said or did was ever enough. Work 70 hours in a week, but while doing that make sure the house is clean, kids medical appointments were taken care of, make sure his needs were met, make sure food was provided for all meals.

I don't miss it. but I do wish I had someone that would talk to me.... tell me I look pretty?? ... but hell a few months ago I was told, I'm too fat to be pretty. I'm good enough to sleep with (and believe me... I may be fat but my self esteem isn't low enough that I would EVER sleep with someone that said this to me!) but i'm not good enough to date or to take out into public because i'm too fat. Who wants to take me into public. i'm an embarrassment. Hell even my family for the last 20 years have been embarrassed of me. People look at my twin and possible way... Imagine for 37 years being compared to the movie TWINS... Danny Devito Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger... One twin has it all...the other is just worthless. One has the looks, the other... nothing. Lord how I wish I could have the faith of God back in my world. But I feel so damn let down. Having an imperfect child. The one that is broken. and I can't fix her. I did everything right. I ate well, didn't drink caffeine. Took all my prenatal medication. everything right..... and my baby is the one with problems. What did I do to make it so my baby is broken? She doesn't deserve it. Not one but TWO auto immune diseases. One that could kill her without the slightest inclination. And I swear if someone says...At least it's not Cancer. .... I may throat punch them. Diabetes has so many fucking complications. My daughter can't have a normal fucking childhood because the world revolves around this fucking disease. Every day, check the number, treat the number, eat, treat, exercise, treat the number. it never ever fucking ends... and it takes a toll, not just on my poor baby but on me. Because I hate it... Because I have no fucking tolerance for the bullshit anymore. Do I fucking care if you got a new car. No I don't fucking care. I fucking care that no one in my family except my damn sister even fucking bothers to know what the fuck I deal with. But hey... Catherine's the one with a damn attitude so it's perfectly acceptable to be an ass to her. Guess what... I may be fat...but at least i'm not a fucking asshole!!!

UGH...and on that note it's midnight and i'm going to bed so I don't totally alienate all my family and friends.

Monday, November 21, 2016

Life, Happiness.... New me

So it's coming up on a year since my divorce was final.  Life has a way of changing... whether you're ready for it or not.  Personally I've struggled with being ready.  I am so much happier being single.  I love not having to ask permission or ask if it's ok if I spend time with my sister or her family.

My daughter.  The light of my life.  I do not know how I can ever not think about her first.

With that being said.  Things are changing and I have to decide.  In January I have to move from this rental or sign another year lease the rent is going up over $100 a month AND they want to add a pet fee every month so it would be close to $160 more a month... So If I move am I going to move to a new house to rent, or am I going to buy a house?  I am so ready to have my own house and be able to paint and do things my way but I am still working on my credit. So we shall see...

Sarah wants me to get a place with a pool...  HAHA...  5 years ago there was no way in hell I would get a POOL with a young child but she's finally big enough and since I do not plan on having any more kiddos...I think it would be ok at this point in my life.

Another thing I have to decide on is about my health.  I have endometriosis...  but now the doctor things it may be PCOS as well.. (Seriously!???)  So...  In January I will have to go to have a laparoscopy to determine what to do.  During the laparoscopy, they may decide that I will have to have a hysterectomy,  if that happens..there will never be a chance of having a baby.  I'm not positive how I feel about that.  I know right now i'm 37 and I have no need for another child.  I spend so much time with work and Sarah, having another child would likely make me crazy without having a partner that would help.  And honestly right now I want to focus on ME...and SARAH....  So it's frustrating I don't know what I want.  Would I seriously be very upset if I didn't have the ability to have another child? Or would I be ok with that? I've always wanted a large family, but it doesn't seem like that's really in the cards for me.

Then comes work.  I love my job. I love what I do,  I've been offered a possible position with a large insurance company.  I would still work from home, still be a field adjuster.  Just more money... and more responsibility.  I would still have autonomy with Sarah's needs (IE: being able to take time off when needed, work from home etc. )

I've been with my current company for 9 years.  I love my co-workers, I know what is expected of me.  So do I want to lose my 3rd week of vacation? Do I want to have to learn new systems etc?  
I'm thinking long and hard about it.  I need to make sure it's best for Sarah too as her medical insurance is pretty much my #1 responsibility...

So there are a lot of changes,  But in all.  Life has been great.  I am so thankful for my family.  They don't let me get down, my niece and nephew are always here to cheer me up when Sarah's at her dad's for the week.  I have awesome friends that I am so very very thankful.  I never knew how many people loved me until I got divorced and I needed help....  and they were here for me.  And for that. I am so very very thankful...

Some pictures from a recent trip Sarah got to take.  This is the Bat Cave.  because Sarah is a diabetic and someone saw what a strong little princess she is, she was chosen to have up to 30 of her closest friends join her for a fun time at the Bat Cave.  While there they got to ride in the BatMobile and the BatMotorcycle. It was so much fun for the kids.  And then...even better was that Sarah got to accept a $2000 check for another child to get a Service Dog. is a very very awesome foundation that I am now donating to because of how much I love and appreciate the work that they do.

Tuesday, October 04, 2016

Do you have any idea what I've been through?

It's October 2016.

I'm twice divorced. Single mom. Full time employee and trying to figure life out.

Why isn't there a book for this?  Why am I feeling like I am stumbling through.
I'm kinda/sorta but NOT seeing a guy.  He is funny and nice and totally not interested in a relationship (thank God because I just could not go there right now in my life)
I'm trying to buy a house but trying to clear my credit after years of it being abused.
I'm tired...always tired.  I need to figure out a routine...get back to the gym..something..anything but it seems like the second I get done working it's time to feed the kiddo..get her ready for bed and then I have about two hours left to myself to get stuff done for me... Ya know..for dishes...housework. laundry...emails.... Following up with Sarah's medical needs.

Stuff just doesn't slow down.  I am in a constant state of WTF in my life.
I went away for work in Georgia for two weeks and although I was busier than I ever am here at home... I slept beautifully... my poor sister however... was kind enough to watch Sarah and probably lost way more sleep than most aunts ever do :)

Life keeps charging on... i'm about to turn 37 soon..and all I can think is...  I don't feel this old.....