Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Where are we now

Four and a half years ago, the Hell we call Diabetes entered our life.  Every day of the last 1667 days of my daughters life, we have pricked her finger, inserted needles into her body.  I hate it.  I hate that on days when normal kids have the stomach flu and get to sit home and lay down and sip on ginger ale.   That's not an option for Sarah...  She has to keep her blood sugar above 80.  When you're diabetic, you do not just get to lay there, I have to force juice, soda, anything into my daughter to bring her blood sugar up into a safe range.  If that doesn't work, or she develops large ketones, it's a trip to the Emergency room.  Not just any emergency room,  it's a trip all the way across the city..almost 60 miles one way, to the local children's hospital.

The biggest change in our life was when we got the pump 1 year after diagnosis.  Sarah no longer had to have 8-10 shots a day.  This made our life easier and we were able to change her basal rates (amount of insulin for the different times of day instead of having the long lasting insulin which we could not adjust by the hour.

At year 2 1/2 we purchased a Diabetic Alert Dog.  This dog is our lifesaver each day she alerts to Sarahs' high and low blood sugars.  More than once Candy (Hey, Sarah was 4 when we got her, and She is a Chocolate Lab..So it was only expected that Candy would be a great name) has saved Sarah's life.  Candy doesn't yet go to school with Sarah as she is only 6 and the other kids in the class would be greatly distracted by Candy.  We are hoping by 3rd grade, Candy will be able to go and help Sarah's school nurse and teacher to take care of her. Candy came from Tattle Tail Alert dog's in Salt Lake City Utah.  Candy's Breeder is a Type 1 Diabetic herself and has been one of the most awesome people I have met when it comes to dealing with Type 1 Diabetes.  The "Family" we have gained from online groups has seriously helped in dealing with this disease that is invisible to most of those around us. 

Just months ago, we finally were able to afford the Continuous Glucose Monitor aka Dexcom.  This is a beautiful, awesome tool,  however is very expensive.  and I hate it and love it.  It shows when Sarah's blood sugars are going up by a system of arrows... They either point up at an angle, two up mean she's climbing, two down mean she's going down fast.  one down is going down slowly.  It connects to an iPhone and then transmit to my phone, the school nurses phone, Sarah's fathers phone and a few others, in case of an emergency.  Sarah's school nurse unfortunately, has been awakened at 4 AM more than once for Low's.  However has always been awesome about it.  I love that her nurse is so involved with her care.

The stress of diabetes is very frustrating, unfortunately there are many side effects of Diabetes, that are not medical.  I personally gained 40lb's in the first 2 years after diabetes.  My own health suffered (High Blood Pressure, Anxiety and Stress Migraines)  as I have had to continue working full time and waking up 2-3 times per night to check Sarah's blood sugars.  The CGM has helped to cut down the amount of times I get up at night but it still is not 100% accurate.  My marriage has suffered, unfortunately at the time of this writing I am going through a divorce.  When you feel as though you are doing 99% of the work for a diabetic, hard feelings arise..
Diabetes changes the dynamics of all relationships.  There is no just up and leaving for a fun filled weekend.  Every trip outside of the house is full of anxiety for me because of the need for supplies, insulin, test strips etc.  Money...Oh boy.  Recently I added up everything for 1 year of Diabetes Supplies.  Without including the price I pay for Insurance,  our yearly out of pocket in Co-pays, Deductibles, Blood work, prescriptions, Diabetic Alert Dog insurance, Diabetic Alert dog food/treats etc literally are around $8000 a year.  That's the purchase of a small car each year almost!

Alas,  Sarah is now 6, attending the first grade at an awesome school that has a full time nurse on staff (I cannot imagine Sarah going to a public school locally that does not have a nurse but one day every other week, Leaving her without a nurse is dangerous!) She is happy, healthy, funny, gregarious and so very smart.  Unfortunately, we recently had a bad test result and regarding her kidneys and we are awaiting further testing to know if the high blood sugars are affecting her Kidneys at such a young age.  She knows when things are rough and we just cannot afford to buy new toys, clothes or other things.  Her big brother and sister sadly are jaded by this disease, they feel anger towards us as the parents that cannot afford what they used to get before this disease entered our lives 4 1/2 years ago)  They are almost adults, They have had to give up some of their free time so I could pick up more hours at work, or to do more chores as their Dad and I were just too worn out from having only 24 hours in a day to get all the things done that are needed to be done. 

On every shooting star,  Every Dandelion that is blown on, Every lost eyelash, Every birthday candle that is blown out... I wish for a cure.  Every day of my daughters short life since diagnosis I have prayed for God to help those scientists and researchers to find a cure.

Sunday, October 11, 2015


As I sit here on a Sunday morning I think about the last 20 years of my life.  Two marriages, Two Divorces (one not quite done)  One beautiful little girl who I love more than the world itself.  Two step kids that I adopted and love just as much as my princess, however don't share the same amount of love.

I'm living with my twin sister and her husband and family right now. I'm a foster parent to a 7 year old boy who needs love, time, and taught how a family really works.

I went to college and graduated, yes I was on the 6 year plan. However working full time and being a wife was hard work, so I am still proud of what I accomplished. (Although 40k in student loans, 12 years later still sucks.)

I have a career I love.  I get to help people, I get to be out in nature, I get to be autonomous and make my own schedule.

I cannot however express the amount of stress and pain I've been in over the last year.

I am currently going through a divorce and as everyone knows...it's not any fun, it's stressful and seriously makes me wish life would just chill it's shit for a bit because I cannot handle this anymore.

Sarah spends 50% of her time at her fathers house and 50% of her time with me. I miss her every single second that she is gone. I hate being away from her as I am very over protective of her blood sugar.

We recently found out that one of Sarah's blood tests/urine tests at her annual lab's shows that she's spilling protein into her urine.  Unfortunately, that's bad...really bad.  However except for making sure her blood sugar is in range (and I try to do this as much as possible) and watching her animal protein intake, right now there's not much we can do. It scares the hell out of me.
My daughter was 2 when she was diagnosed, She's 6 now. She's dealt with this disease for 4 1/2 years.  I am frustrated, because this disease can literally kill her fast (with a low blood sugar) or very slowly and painfully by shutting down organs, making her lose her site etc. It makes me want to cry. I don't like it I hate it.  and frankly this disease freaking sucks.

And on that note... We went to the Womens Expo today...
They had a belt type thing that fit's Sarahs' CGM, Insulin Pump, Continous Glucose monitor. All in one!!  It was $20, and a little bit big for her. But she likes it. it's comfy, it can go under or over her clothing.  :) Supposedly they also do a pump belt specifically for JDRF.  !!!  <3 it="" p="">

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Time Keeps moving on

Over the last few weeks and months have changed....a lot of things have changed.

Back in October I lost my grandfather.  He was 90 years old...  I missed seeing him and saying goodbye by hours.  I miss him so much and my heart still hurts for missing him.  He was my rock.  The entire family's rock and now that he is gone.  I am struggling to continue on.

My sister and I are no longer speaking and I miss her so much. But at the same time. I am just done being the one to keep trying.  My life has been much quieter lately...and that's ok.  But I miss my niece and nephew.  I miss sitting and chatting and cudding with them.  I hate it.
But at the same time I have my life to myself.  My husband and I are trying out marriage counseling.  I want to succeed in life. I do not want to fight anymore.  I pray and hope and one day hopefully we will be able to get a long.
Sarah asked me today..Mommy who do I have to live with if you and daddy do not stay together.   I didn't realize she was that scared of us splitting up. I did let her know that no matter what...She would be with Daddy and Mommy.  And as of right now we will be together.  We will keep evaluating what we want and what is best for Sarah.

Since Ashley is 17 and will likely be moving out after she graduates next year.  Jeffery is 18 and already moved out...  I am not really worried about them right now.  Dennis and I splitting up is going to affect Sarah most of all.  And it scares me.  Her health is the most important thing in the world.

We are just trying to continue life...

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Missing Him

October 19th 2014...at approximately 8:15 am. I lost my favorite person in my life.  My grandfather lived 90 years.  90 years of changes.  It's been a little bit over a month and I miss him so much. He's always been there for me. He's always given advice without criticism or judgement.
My heart is broken.  My family is fighting over bullcrap that doesn't apply in life. It's so sad and my grandfather would be rolling over in his grave because of the drama.

Rest in Peace Papa.... I love and miss you more than anyone will ever know.

Saturday, September 06, 2014

Ahh Life and an update!

Things have been going great. Work has been horribly busy but I am thankful to God that I have a j ob and a well paying one at that. So in the last few months we've been taking Sarah and the kids out more and more as a family.
recently we went to the Monster Truck Jam in phoenix, Arizona...Photos are below (or above if I can't figure out how to post them right.) We are oing to Monster Jam World FInals in Las Vegas, NV next month...our whole family is excited...Now someone somehow get Sarah to start wearing her earphones..cause she screams when she takes them of and the monster truck revs the engine..and honestly I don't want my baby to have a hearing problem!!


I am sitting here...Sad...Thinking how can anyone shake a baby. Why would anyone shake a baby. It's the worst thing ever. If a baby will not stop crying...Put them DOWN..WALK AWAY. I sit here with my daughter laying in my lap she's cooing at me and I am totally in lovewith her. Unfortunately Noah Whitman's parents are struggling with what life has dealt them. Noah was shaken by his daycare provider. Shaken to the point of severe brain damage. Please Pray that God will heal this little baby. that this child's family will be cradled in the Lord's arms. Please visit his family at Noah's website http://www.noahsroad.com/ and leave them an uplifting message.

So many ups and downs

Sarah is 5 now.  She's growing and growing and we are having so many ups and downs.  She's in Kindergarten!!! My baby girl is officially in real school.  Granted it's only half days 4 days a week. But it makes it easier to manage her diabetes.  She has been going low a lot lately and it's so frustrating.  So we go to the endo on Monday and we will hopefully be able to figure something out for the time that she's at the school.  She's getting to be more and more into doing everything by herself. She's putting herself to bed, she's managing her diabetes.  We are struggling a little bit because when she is high I am trying to keep her from eating junk.  But she is 5 she wants to enjoy life.

We got chickens and ducks and a rabbit a while back. I guess it's been almost a year now. We love having fresh eggs. Nothing tastes better. The rabbit is Sarah's and her name is Bella.  Bella comes out to eat and then goes back into hiding...apparently she's not a very active bunny.  But what can we say :)  She's cute..and white.  I love watching my chickens. But Lord are those damn ducks loud and obnoxious!! and the Roosters..>Why?? I want to eat them!!! :)

I have been working 60 hour work weeks. I am exhausted. Between middle of the night blood sugar checks and the getting up at 6 am and not home until 6 or 7 at night.

I need more hours in my week so I can get things done. We have been dealing with a lot of medical issues with my husband and then Sarah two weeks ago broke out into terrible hives.  She seriously was head to toe hives.  I was in tears seeing all the pain she was in.  We dosed her with benadryl but even two hours later she was still badly broke out so we took her to the hospital. They provided her with Pepcid as well as more benadryl.  She was still broken out the next morning but she slept better than she has in a long time. By the next day though she was fine.  I just hate that she continues to suffer so on Monday at 9 am we will be at the allergist...and at 2 the Endo.  The expense of this is just insane.  And it sucks :(  so it pisses me off because it's totally not fair.  When we finally get a little bit ahead... everything get's thrown at us and...we end up sitting there and struggling for a couple of months to get back again.  WHY people..>WHY... But I have faith that our Lord has something in it for us all.  Thank you Lord and Savior for all that you have given us.  We are so special to have your grace and love.

Friday, August 09, 2013

Ups and downs.

I know I know it's been a while.  You try dealing with a 4 year old diabetic, a 16 year old hoodlum and my 15 year old drama queen.  Life this last year has been nothing short of HELL.  I just do not know where to start.

My son moved in with his biological grandmother back in February.  He failed a polygraph as to if he had ever touched his little sister inappropriately.  So he had to go live there.  She decided in June that she did not want to maintain custody of him That he was too much work.  Believe me I get it. He has to go to therapy 4 days a week and it's frustrating having to drive back and forth.  So when it came to what to do, he wasn't going to come back to live in the house with his sisters. Just no way that was going to happen. He refuses to tell the truth, still cannot be honest about his interactions. He refuses to grow up and man up to what he's done to everyone.

A month after that happened, Sarah Dennis and I went to Utah and picked up Sarah's Chocolate Candy. A Diabetic Alert Dog for Sarah.  This dog has alerted from the day we got her.  Literally the first minute she met Sarah it was awesome to see.  I love this dog.  She's beautiful, Funny, happy and a handful all in one.  I have never enjoyed the presence of a dog as much as this one.  She doesn't alert 100% of the time that's more our fault than hers. I don't think we are catching it.  But she does periodically and get's better as we go along.  We have been training her to fetch the meter case when Sarah is low and she does good with that :)

Ashley finished her first year of high school. She is the biggest drama queen, I love her she's such a helper with Sarah I couldn't ask for a better helper.  She know's almost as much as I do about Sarah's pump and insulin testing etc.  It's awesome.  But she is 15 now and driving...ARGHHHH at least with her permit.  And believe me many times I have to close my eye's or look away :).

Fast forward to last month and Jeffery needed some place to live, since he couldn't come home to us since we have the girls, Child Protective Services was the only option.  Jeffery is living in Mesa now in the custody of  CPS, so technically he's a foster child.  He's supposedly doing well however he calls us literally daily and I've had to go out there to deliver medication, get his enrollment paperwork for school and everything else.

And last but not least.  Ashley started her first day of her Sophmore year of school.  I'm not ready for this. I want my baby back. I don't want her to grow up.  Sarah starts school on the 20th. She will be in pre school again but I love her school.  So paying for pre school is totally worth it all :)

Monday, June 10, 2013


It's the middle of the year.  It's the time of the year that I lost two of my most favorite people in the world 6 and 8 years ago.  I am in so much pain, I want nothing to do with anyone.  I am snappy to my children and stressed out.  I've alienated friends and seriously don't know how to cope.  The doctor increased my medication but I've not been taking it long enough to see any measurable difference.  I cry constantly. I cry for stupid stuff and my heart truly hurts.

Spent this past weekend at Disneyland with my oldest daughter, my 4 year old daughter and a friend of my oldest daughter.  It was pleasurable but if I stopped for just a second the sadness and stress overwhelmed me.  I hurt in so many ways.  My heart hurts, my head hurts I'm having a very very hard time carrying on.  I'm just plain hateful to my husband, holding anger for misdeeds from long ago. I sleep now more than ever before.  I have no desire to do anything.  Nothing seems to bring me happiness except for a few rare moments with my daughters.

My son is a whole other story.  He's living with his biological grandmother. Has been since February,  this too is part of my sadness.  I miss him. But I am so angry at him.  Angry because at 16 he know's what needs to be done but yet he doesn't seem to care to fix it.  He yells at his father and I like it's our fault he's not home with us.

I feel terrible for my teen daughter. I feel like I am failing her for relying so much on her to help with her little sister.  Diabetes is killing me and i'm not even the one with the disease.  I cry myself to sleep often thinking about my daughter so much so that I cannot function fully during the day and have to ask my teenage daughter to watch her little sister so I can take a nap.  I hate this.  I hate not having control.  I have not being able to be the mother I know I should be.

I hate the fact that I feel like I have absolutely no support from my extended family.  My twin sister and I barely talk. My brother and I had a terrible falling out and he wants nothing to do with me ever again (over something stupid and not my fault but I get blamed anyways)  My mother doesn't care.  I've never been her favorite. I truly believe that part of it is my weight.  I"m not the beautiful daughter.  I'm overweight and she's always been ashamed of me.  She's never outwardly said it but once when I was pregnant with my daughter and I asked her to attend a prenatal appointment and they said my weight outloud I heard my mother say "Jesus Christ Catherine that's ridiculous."....I don't think I was meant to hear it..but I did.  And that leads to another things.
I hate myself.  I'm so overweight. I feel terrible. I feel like I truly am not the beautiful person I know I can be.  I cant seem to resist eating everything. I want to lose weight so bad. but at the same time...I have no willpower.  I have no energy. But then again eating right and exercising costs money...It's not like I can just go outside in the 110 degree weather and take a walk...but by the time the end of the day rolls around and it cools down I just cannot motivate myself to move after working all day then coming home to make dinner and finish off my day...

Friday, May 24, 2013

Two Years......

Two years ago today our lives were normal.  We did not have a clue that in 24 hours our lives would be in such turmoil.  Life was about to change...

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Have you ever?

Have you ever wondered what life would be like without diabetes?

Before diabetes I never thought twice about handing my daughter a snack such as gold fish.  I never thought about her taking a drink out of my soda or a juice pack.  I never thought twice about handing her a peanut butter sandwich or a cookie.  I never thought about handing her an apple.

We are heading into our second anniversary since Sarah's diagnosis.  It has changed our lives in so many ways.  But to be honest, not all bad.

I have made so many friends since Sarah was diagnosed with Diabetes.  One family that lives very close to me has a son who is almost a teenager,  the bond that he and Sarah share is beautiful.  He loves her as much as she loves him.  Her eye's light up at the mention of his name.  Every time they meet they hug and I nearly come to tears each time I see them together.  They are 9 years apart, but the bond they have is immeasurable.

I am more aware of what my family is eating.  With diabetes comes carb counting and fat content as well as fiber content.  I know if something will affect her blood sugar more than another thing.  Funny thing is an Oreo cookie does not affect her blood sugar as quickly and as ferociously as an apple does.

I am more aware of the illnesses that are nearly invisible to others.  Things like Celiac's disease (which I had never heard of before Sarah's diagnosis.)  It's amazing all the things that you learn when you have a child who is diabetic.

Many days like today I would love to give diabetes back.  I would love to not have to insert a insulin pump site as my 4 year old squirms to get a better view of the TV all the while telling me I am mean because I am causing her pain.  I would love to be able to take away her pain however it's just not possible.

Today is Sarah's 4th birthday.  as she sits and plays I am amazed by how much she has grown since she was diagnosed. She is so strong.  I wish I had one tenth of the strength that she has.  She is my hero.    

Saturday, February 09, 2013

Reaching for the Stars...Or a Diabetic Alert Dog

Sarah will be turning 4 years old on February 24th.  I cannot believe it has almost been two years since she was diagnosed on May 25th, 2011.  At only 27 months our entire world changed.

For months before Sarah's Second birthday we knew something was wrong.  She kept having problems with diaper rashes and being sick off and on.  It was terrible and we could not figure out what was going wrong. The doctor just kept saying that the diaper rashes were yeast infections and that it was completely normal and since she was almost 2 she needed to be potty trained.

Fast forward to her second birthday, her party was planned for the Saturday of her birthday, everything was set to go and suddenly she was very sick,  she had the stomach flu for 3 days and right after that happened she started being very lethargic, would lay in bed for hours just watching TV and sleeping. She would drink huge amounts of water and juice so much that she would literally pee through her diaper sometimes 2 and 3 times a night, she wouldn't eat food  she just really wanted nothing to do with anything.  At her two year appointment she weighed 25 lb's two, almost three months later she was down to 20 lb's.  It was devastating to see my baby girl wasting away and have the doctor just keep telling us that she was fine.

I finally put my foot down and on May 20th I took Sarah to the doctor and complained that they absolutely must figure out what is wrong.  Well since she had eaten food already the doctor said they could not test her for diabetes.  So he sent us home to come back in 5 days after fasting. It was a very long weekend waiting to go back to the doctor on Wednesday.  When we showed up to the doctors office they took us back to the nurses room. My 13 year old daughter was with us as well.  They pulled out a Blood Sugar Meter and poked her finger.  I saw the number... 185...I had no clue what a normal blood sugar number was.  Was it high???  The nurse asked me if we had let Sarah eat or drink anything.  I responded nope...She immediately rushed out of the room and called the doctor downstairs.  She walked back in five minutes later and said that the doctor wanted to see us immediately.  We walked downstairs just knowing something was wrong.  Wishing I had my cell phone (I had left it at home) I text-ed my husband from my oldest daughters cell phone and told him that I had a feeling Sarah was really going to be diagnosed with Diabetes.  (all of the signs above, the losing weight, the excessive thirst just pointed to it happening)  I finally had enough.

Within minutes of getting downstairs the doctor was in the room with us, telling us how sorry he was that he should have accepted my fear and concern.  That we needed to rush home, get clothing and childcare together for the next 3-5 days and rush back across town to Phoenix Children's hospital. We went home and  on the way to the hospital we stopped to get Sarah something to eat as she was crying from hunger. We let her eat part of a corn dog and some diet soda.  Once we got to the hospital when I told them Sarah's name they literally rushed us to a waiting room, Luckily my husbands mom and grandmother met us there to get our two oldest kids from us.  Once in the hospital room they put in an IV and took blood and then had to catheterize her to get urine as she was not potty trained and they needed to check for ketones.

Sarah was quite the trooper over the next 4 days in the hospital.  However her father and I were devastated   We had no idea what we could do to make her feel better. She slept through a lot of the days and we took classes and talked to counselors and muddled through.  I remember on the first night we were in the hospital the nurse came in at 4 am and said that Sarah's blood sugar was over 500 and we needed to give her insulin and since I was awake, now was as good of a time as ever to learn how to do it.  I was laying the the bed with Sarah about to give her a shot...Seriously they thought I should poke her with a needle!!! Seriously!!!  I cried seriously cried that I was going to have to poke her! The nurse drew up the insulin and handed me the needle and said to go for it.  Sarah was asleep, didn't feel a thing.  Things over the next few days got easier. But it sure sucked giving my kid shots and poking her fingers!

Fast forward and it's almost been 2 years since we started this journey.  Last year Sarah got an insulin pump  which has made life a little bit easier.  Sarah now get's insulin through a device that hangs off her belt and a catheter is inserted under her skin every 3 days.  This device leads me to the second most important device that will help us with her diabetes.  A Diabetic Alert Dog. 

A Diabetic Alert dog will change her life. This animal will have the ability to tell us when Sarah's blood glucose is going too low or is even too high.  This dog will be her constant companion 24 hours a day.  Eventually the dog may even get a chance to go to school with her.  Since Sarah is so young, she does not know or cannot convey to us that her blood sugar is low or high.  Low blood sugars below 40 can cause serious issues including killing brain cells and possibly as it goes lower, death.  This dog will be able to tell us when her blood sugar gets to the 80 range which is when she really needs to be corrected.

This dog costs $2000 and is being purchased from a great breeder KC Owens from http://www.tattletailscentdogs.com This woman spends her time imprinting the dogs from the time they are born to know what a low blood sugar smells like and what they should do to alert either the diabetic or the diabetic's partner/parents.

This dog will literally save my daughters life every day.  I cannot wait to get it.  However it costs money. A lot of money,  Money which after paying huge co pays and deductibles each month leaves us with very little left for such a big expense.  Which is why I am coming to my friends on my blog and my friends friends.  Asking for a donation.  Donations can be sent to me via Paypal @ cpittaz@yahoo.com or via a website that we set up for Sarah for donations http://www.gofundme.com/207bkc.  The problem is that there is a fee to use the site and it eats up a lot of the donations.  The third way is to contact the breeder directly at her website and forward a donation to her with Sarah Pittman's name on it. If you would like to talk to me you can email me at my email above or contact me on FaceBook https://www.facebook.com/cgraypittman.  

Thank you!

Monday, December 17, 2012


Life is rough.  It does not give us anything that we do not earn. And when you take something you have not earned. You are stealing.  If you are not willing to work for something then you do not deserve it.

So much pain

The last few days have been such a blur.  The pain I feel in my heart seems to be overflowing lately.

Many people do not know this but I have a twin sister.  She was born two minutes after me and ever since then I have talked to her almost every day, if not twice a day.  She was my support when I went through my divorce in 2004, and then let me live with her and her husband in 2005 when I moved from Missouri.  She was what I considered my best friend.  And then last year something happened that has torn us apart.  The last year of my life has been filled with pain for both of us. Neither of us can fix the wrong. But we still are divided by this.  I want it to be over but our respective spouses will never back down and thus our relationship will never be exactly the same.  And things happen in life that we cannot always go on the same way as we always have I understand that and respect that and have faith that God will provide the knowledge and understanding for things to change.  It's just very hard that one day our children were best friends and now a year later, they do not get to see each other as often because of this rift.  Please whomever is out there, pray for us. Pray that God can heal the pain and strife between us.

Second,  The recent murder of the 20 innocent children in Newtown Ct. has my heart overflowing with pain and anguish.  Every night I go to bed praying that my daughter will wake up in the morning.  That blood sugars will not go crazy in the night and that I will be able to hold her in my arms.  The parents of the 20 children will not get to hold their children any longer.  Their children have been sent to God and he will now watch over them.  They were innocent and did not deserve to spend their last minutes in this world in the Hell that the jerk created. I will not name him, I will not allow his name to be burned into my brain, he does not deserve what little inkling of brain cells it takes to remember his name.

It's not to say I don't understand mental illness.  However I do not believe that if you are mentally ill, you do not have some semblance or knowledge that something is going wrong in your head and that you should seek help.  I have a severe form of depression, I have for years. It drives me to be seriously distraught in normal life issues. So I take medication.  I watch myself for signs that the depression is rearing it's ugly head, and then two years ago anxiety creepily snuck it's way in. I manage my anxiety and depression, watching closely for things to change, because I do not want to be one of those people.  My husband and son are both bi-polar, both of them require medication, neither have ever desired to harm people.  However both have done things they do not remember doing but never intentionally. It's so darn hard really. To make a decision. What do you do..But at least TRY to remember that in life you must take care of yourself and if you do not feel like you can then you need to turn it over to someone to help you medically because you cannot go on in life and allow innocent lives to be destroyed.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Hell called Diabetes

Long before this hell we call Diabetes I never held my daughter down to pour sugar down her throat. Although many people believe that is how our children have become diabetic. I never had to hold her down and force her to drink juice. It was never a matter of forcing her to eat food to bring her blood sugar up. Long ago I was able to just let her throw her fit and eventually she would eat...we
ll because all kids do! I don't have the luxury of just saying...big deal she will eat when she get's hungry, because as the mother of a diabetic we don't get that option anymore. Waiting it out means the possibility of a low and life threatening blood sugar. It sucks...it sucks so bad that we need a cure so bad. I hate this disease. I hate the fact that my teenage daughter and son have had to grow up in the last year and a half learning how to help hold down her sister. Learned to run to grab a cup of juice in an emergency, even having to find the red box of Glucagon once. It sucks...very much...

And every day we struggle to lengths no one else but another parent of a diabetic understands.  

Every day I wake up and hold my breath until I reach my daughter. Praying that she is breathing.  And when she takes the breath...I nearly want to cry.  God is good to us.  But at the same time...I need to have more faith that I can do this.  

Sunday, August 19, 2012

An honor for my daughter

Today is the day that I laid down on a bed and allowed someone to push needles into my back for over an hour.  To honor my daughter. My beautiful baby girl that was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes over a year ago.  Each time I felt pain I thought to myself how painful the disease must be for her. Each day enduring 8-14 finger pokes.  Each day for the first year of her diagnosis getting 8-10 shots per day of insulin.  Now every 3 days getting the site changes that allow her to use an insulin pump to administer insulin every 3 minutes and each day of her life.  It is amazing to me how strong she is. So today I was strong.  But even at my strongest. My beautiful baby girl still sat next to the table where I laid and held on to mommy's hand.  She stroked my hair and loved on me as the needles sliced into my skin.  But every time I winced in pain she was telling me it was ok.  Much like I do for her. I am so blessed.  Blessed by a little girl who over a year ago was so skinny, fragile and lethargic you would not have guessed she was the same child she is now.  Every  minute of every day I think about what my daughter's life is like now.  It's hard to remember the short time of her life she didn't have diabetes.  In the not too distant future she will have diabetes for longer than she didn't have Diabetes.  I want to change my daughter's life.  We need a cure.  And we need it now.  Please think about donating to a great cause.  The cure for diabetes is needed.  Go to this link http://www2.jdrf.org/goto/SugarsforSarah , Donate to a great cause.  The one that may save my daughter's life.  The cause that I hold so dear to my heart because I know that one day.  Somehow, Someway my daughter will have a cure.  


Sunday, June 24, 2012

It's here it's here!!!!

Sarah's pump got here last week. It's an Animas Ping in blue. It is awesome. I cannot wait until Tuesday for the setup of the pump. I cannot believe that it's taken this long to get this taken care of.  Sarah is only 3 and doesn't really care too much either way I guess.  I have been sewing quite a bit lately and because I want Sarah to have pump pouches to keep her pump safely at her hip.  Here's some pictures. 

 The middle picture is Sarah wearing her new Princess Dress.  I made it from some fabric from JoAnn's.  I couldn't pass it up I knew she would love it.  It took me about 20 minutes to do it because it already had the elastic sewn in so I wouldn't have to do it myself :).

Please pray that Sarah does well on the pump for something that costs $8000....it better be worth the frustration it took to get it!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Living on the edge.............

There are days that I sit in my chair at home exhausted.  Emotionally, physically, everything. It seriously is hard to just breathe.  There are so many things in life now that were not there thirteen months ago. It is so frustrating.  and I hate it.  My 3 year old daughter deals with a life threatening disease every single day of her life.  And it is not fair.  And then I remember....Life is not Fair!  a Fair is where you go in the fall and you ride rides and drink lemonade and eat huge turkey legs and cotton candy.  Life will never be fair and if I continue to go down the path of life thinking that life is fair...well I'm not going to be a very good person in life. I will become bitter. So ....I am thankful.

I am thankful that Frederick Banting was able to invent insulin. His ability to make this life sustaining medication has changed my daughters life.  It took my daughter from a 1-2 year life expectancy after her diagnosis to now she can live a life full and active and great. Thank you GOD!

I am thankful that I have a great job.  That job provides good (not great but Good) medical insurance.  That medical insurance provides insulin needles, test strips, insulin and other supplies.

I am thankful for my friends in the Diabetic Online Community.  Without them I would not be able to function daily.  I get to get answers 24 hours a day because well...we are always awake. They have given so much one mother after knowing that I did not own a Blood Ketone meter was nice enough to send me some and some strips, they are not cheap but people were willing to share. That makes me thankful that God has brought me these people in my life at a time I so desperately needed them.

I am thankful for my children.  My teenagers help so much every day.  They have had to go without because of Sarah's diabetes.  The significant expense involved has drastically altered our financial situation. The two teens have taken it in stride and are willing to wait a little longer to get things because the money just isn't "there" as fast as it used to be.

I am thankful for my husband. He get's to put up with Sarah's mood swings from high's and lows as well as my mood swings from the stress.

I am thankful for my belief in God.  My life has had many ups and downs.  And with each up and down.  I have been able to pray and get reassurance that he is still there and better things are ahead for us. And Please Lord let there be a cure one day.

I am thankful for my life.  It is great.

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Trying to Keep up...

So often in life it seems like I am two steps ahead in one area while I am four steps behind in other ways. Diabetes seems to have life running around in circles.  Soon we will be looking into getting a pump. I cannot wait.  I really believe that this will help us get a better control over her blood sugar.  I'm tired of having to stab her with needles all the time. She deserves the one stab every three days...That will be so much nicer for her. But then again there will be so many new things to learn.  It feels like diabetes is just a constant learning curve. There is no darn way we can keep up with the new technology and everything else. So Frustrating.  Just need a few days of sleep to catch up lol....

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Trying to be healthier...we shall see

The last few months I have been thinking more and more about what we put into our bodies in the Pittman house.  With Sarah having to check her blood sugar constantly and us needing to constantly keep a log of her carbs etc. I find myself reading the labels of all of the food that we consume. This new found review of nutrition labels told me that we were putting way too darn much crap into our bodies. 

Years ago I used to can food at home.  Fruits and Vegetables galore.  I loved doing it. But it is a time consuming process and can be a costly start up.  Jars cost between 10-15 dollars for a dozen (they usually come with the lids and rings) and then you keep reusing the jars and rings but have to buy lid's each time. It's just not worth reusing the rings as it's a safety hazard.  You will also need a pressure canner (Water boils at 212 degrees,  it is impossible to kill the bacteria etc with just a water bath canner (how they did it in the older generations and please remember, many families were wiped out because of botulism etc so use a pressure canner.)  Now you can use a water bath canner for things like tomato's and high acid foods  I have not yet done this as I've not seen tomato's and things like that on sale enough that I want to do my own salsa...but that's coming.  Because nothing tastes better than home made salsa!

My oldest daughter Ashley and I started out with potato's which are incredably simple.  We measured out and got everything right.  And we now have over 24 jar's of yellow and red potato's.  We then moved on to carrots which were easy as can be.  Tonight we are doing Beans.  You can call them refried beans however because of how thick refried beans are we do not yet mash the beans until we are ready to use them however once they are done and canned, they are ready to eat out of the jar if you want..but I like them mashed.  For now they are just Pinto Beans with lot's of seasoning.  We added garlic, onions and a little taco seasoning.  That way once we get them out of the jar...they are ready to be mashed and eaten...YUMMY!

This summer as new foods come into season and are available, I plan on canning more of the foods we as a family eat a lot of.  Potato's are not unhealthy per se but I found that we as a family ate a lot of dried potato's and boxed potato's.  This way we just open the jar and drain the water off and either heat them up to mash them or toss them in a frying pan to fry. or toss them in a roasting pan to roast (heat up because they are already cooked I mean)

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Can never forget...The first time I gave my 2 year old a shot

I will never forget... It's only been 7 months. I remember the day as if it was yesterday. I remember the nurse, his name was Chris coming into the room and telling me her Sugar was @ 287 and we needed to "correct" her. I still hate that term..it's like there's something wrong with my daughter. I was holding my daughter in my arms while we slept together on the tiny hospital bed. Her tiny body hooked up to an IV and the nurse walked me through figuring out the right dose. He handed me the insulin syringe and told me that I need to just pinch up her skin on her leg and push it in like a dart. I started crying. Chris sat down next to me, my husband was asleep in the couch/bed next to us not knowing the pain I was going through. As Chris guided me through giving my daughter the first shot of hundreds I have had to give her I cried. I am crying now thinking of it. How her body tensed up even in her sleep, not knowing what her mommy was doing. Hours later as she went low at 4am. I tried to rouse her to drink the 15carbs worth of juice and I cried again as she asked me to let her please sleep. Luckily she was able to drink in her sleep. And as I held her that night and the 2 nights after that we stayed in the hospital. All I could do is pray. Pray that my baby would one day see a cure. Now 9 months later. I'm praying for a pump, knowing that a cure may possibly ...maybe come in her lifetime...

Friday, October 07, 2011

Ups..and Downs...

In the last few months we are getting into more of a status quo. It's so frustrating though because Sarah's levels will be good for a few weeks..and then we have to send over the numbers to the Endocrinologist and get it reviewed to have her levels changed. It's so frustrating. I want my princess to have better levels and things like that. I think I'd really like to get her on a pump and a cgm however hubby is totally not into that. he thinks that Sarah will have to slow down and might get caught on the tubing and such. I'm honestly not sure what will happen. I've been praying out it. God will lead us in the right direction I know.

My two oldest kiddos Jeffery 14 and Ashley 13 had parent teacher conferences today. Ashley did splendid and got all A's and a C in math. (WOOT WOOT Go Baby!!) and Jeffery did ok. He did get an F and a D, he know's the consequences of those grades however. I just hope the kiddos realize high school starts next year and if they keep messing around, they will be in a world of hurt.

I'm trying to find a beautiful piece of Jewelry for Sarah. I hate the huge charm she has to wear right now because it was cheap and quickly delivered. I hope somewhere someone has a beautiful piece of jewelry suitable for a 2 year old. Who ever thought..Hey I want to buy my 2 year old a piece of medical alert Jewelry. I want to buy a pair of low cost diamond earrings or sapphires...not a medic alert necklace (she won't wear a bracelet) Ideally I would love to buy her a cross necklace that doubles as a medical alert necklace as she loves my cross necklace that I have been wearing. Now to get back to searching for the right thing for our Princess.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Facts on Diabetes

Every 36 minutes a child in the United States is diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

What is Type 1 Diabetes?
Type 1 diabetes occurs when the body's immune system attacks and destroys cells in the pancreas. Beta cells normally produce insulin, a hormone that helps the body move the glucose contained in food into cells throughout the body, which use it for energy. But when the beta cells are destroyed, no insulin can be produced, and the glucose stays in the blood instead, where it can cause serious damage to all the organ systems of the body.

Frequently Asked Questions about Type 1 Diabetes
Can children with Type 1 Diabetes grow out of the disease?
Nope... not unless a cure is found

What’s the difference between type 1 and type 2 diabetes?
Type 1 is an autoimmune disorder in which a person’s pancreas stops producing insulin. There is no cure for type 1.

Type 2 is a metabolic disorder in which a person’s body produces insulin, but is unable to use it effectively. Often times it can be controlled through diet and exercise.

What causes type 1 diabetes?
The causes are not entirely understood, but scientists believe both genetic factors and environmental triggers are involved.

What are the warning signs of type 1 diabetes?
•Extreme thirst
•Frequent urination
•Sudden weight loss for no reason
•Increased appetite
•Changes in vision
•Sweet odor on breath

Wednesday, August 10, 2011


Sarah has recently had a lot of high's and lows. THis is indicative of the honeymoon phase of diabetes. This sucks. I'm so frustrated on the ups and downs and love the in betweens though! :).
Sarahis so good about the medications and pokes and sticks. We don't test her in the middle of the night yet however we are going to be possibly doing that since we find her to be so high lately.
If we don't continue to watch her very closely who know's what will happen.

Our two oldest kids continue to learn however the hubby and I have not had much of a chance lately to go out just us. I kind of miss it but at the same time I would be willing to give up date nights to make sure my baby girl is healthy. I'm pretty lucky that my twin sister is willing to learn to help so she will be taking a class on diabetes and how to administer her medication and everything. This is doubly important with my husbands health since we never know if he will ever need to go into the hospital. We don't want to have to just leave him alone in there because I have to take care of the baby. And if he's in the hospital I can't work unless she is able to help take care of Sarah.
I'm trying not to let diabetes take over our life however, in a way...we have no choice. Our lives are caught up in test strips, carbohydrates, exercise, and testing as well as shots...and it sucks. But Sarah is our miracle...The one I was told I should never ever be able to have because I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant.

I am so blessed. Three children...two of my heart. One of my womb and three joy's of my life.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Missions Trip for the Teenagers

A little over a week ago we dropped off our two oldest children at our Church. They were leaving to Yakima Washington to minister and help the Yakima Indians. We thought this would be a great trip for our children. Help them learn that those less fortunate deserved to have help. My son came back with a great understanding and a letter from one of the teachers as to my son's gift with children. And how they hope one day he will take hold of that gift and give back. (I'm thinking a youth minister one day? Hopefully) My daughter came back gabbing and gabbing about how great the trip was and a letter saying that if she would stop talking she could be great at details and such. I already knew this about her.

But then my son told on his sister, There were boys and girls both, segregated for bedtime however my daughter decided to act like the adult she is not..as she is only 13 and yet in a 17 year old girls body. She had her first kiss...and her second...and her third...all the while supposedly under the watchful supervision of the Pastor of our church and the youth pastor and one other member of our church. The kids were given free time and they utilized that free time in ways I wish were not allowed. I'm saddened that my daughter did not use the talks we had a million times and the knowledge she has about what is right and wrong and instead decided to indulge in behavior way beyond her years. But at the same time I struggle to decide what I should do about this. I have an email written to the boys' mom (the boys are a set of Triplets that are 16 years old!)but I hesitate to send it. The boys should know better. Just as my daughter does. One of the boys was told by the female teacher how inappropriate it was for a 16 year old boy to be a boyfriend of a 13 year old girl. I'm glad she intervened when she knew something was up. But I still sit here anxious and sad. If I am not supposed to keep them home and never let them out of my sight...how am I supposed to keep them safe when they won't even heed the warnings we have tried and tried to instill in them. This is definately going to prompt a lot more "talks" about right and wrong. And a whole lot more praying on my part that my children do what God has written and keep pure....

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

Dread...But a rebirth

Three months ago started a new journey in our lives. My daughter Sarah started drinking a lot, and having huge overfilled diapers. On top of that was a constant diaper rash. Constant requests for more juice/water/milk/soda (her idea of soda is about 4tbsp of soda to 1 cup of water). But Sarah was still lethargic a lot. Didn't want to go outside nor did she want to just be a little girl. Most of her days were spent in my bed, watching TV. Eating a little...But mostly..sleeping and drinking.
Finally I could deal with it no longer. She had been in and out of the doctors office for the diaper rash as it was horrible, and each time he would say to use the cream and it would get a little better, until we stopped the cream and then it got bad again.

I put all the symptoms together..hit up Google and found what I wish was better news. The first website I came across said it was likely to be diabetes. Finally I went into her pediatrician requesting to be tested for diabetes. He gave me "the look" you know the look. The one that tells you that you've spent a little too much time Googling and to please let the doctor do what he knows. Yeah well they call it practicing for a reason!!!
The doctor rejected my initial request for a test.  Seriously... they told me that they couldn't test her unless she had not eaten for at least 8 hours.  It had been 3 since she had eaten/drank anything so why couldn't they?  The doctor said if I was REALLY that concerned I could come back the following Wednesday.  I made the appointment for 9 am.  My oldest daughter, then 13 at the time came with me.  We went in fully thinking. FINALLY they are going to test her and see that I am wrong...but something is wrong otherwise...right?  Because no one WANTS Diabetes...  I just wanted my poor daughter to act like a normal crazy 2 year old. Instead of the lethargic, always tired, never playing child that I had for the last 2-4 months. 

Wednesday came, I took Sarah and Ashley into the room.  They sent us to just a small room that isn't even where a doctor normally comes.  They pricked her toe...  her blood sugar registered...It was 189..  I thought... That's not real high right.  The nurse instantly looks at me and asks... You are sure that you didn't give her anything to eat or drink.  I gave her an incredulous look and said... can you see she is still asleep???  No she's not had anything.  The nurse runs out of the room.  Minutes later she comes back and tells us to go to room 2.  We trudge on over and about ten minutes later get told...  The doctor wants to see you downstairs (what I didn't know is that the Nurse Practitioners are upstairs on floor 2, the doctors are only on the first floor)  So we trudge down there.   We go to sign in and the young girl looks at me almost with tears in her eye's and immediately takes me back to the doctors rooms.  Minutes later the doctor walks in...  Does not look me in the eye and says that he wants us to rush Sarah home, get clothes for 3 or 4 days and go straight to PCH. 

Finally we got our diagnosis...and instantly we were shoved into the hands of the capable staff at Phoenix Children's Hospital. This hospital is truly a gift. The nurses were all incredibly caring. Showing us how to give our baby girl the best chance at growing up normal all the while still caring for her. Sarah was loved by each person she was cared for by. My two teenagers were invited to play and have fun with Sarah and it was overall a great stay. Although we struggled with numbers for a little while it's getting better.

We have now been out of the hospital for a week and a half, Sarah is now willing to give you the finger she wants you to poke to check her sugars. She is thriving. One night around 9:30pm I was trying to wind her down for bedtime when she was not having it. She was jumping all around, laughing and playing and being a crazy 2 year old. I thought..Oh no..her sugar must be off. I tested her blood and she was perfect. Then I had to think for a minute...oh wait..this is what a NORMAL 2 year old with good blood sugars should be like.

We are adjusting to a new normal. Instead of a 2 second check to make sure we have diapers and wipes and a cup in a bag for a trip to the store or the mall, we now have to pack snacks and water and a blood monitor. Don't forget the insulin and emergency sugar(for her its a juice box). Make sure we have enough alcohol wipes and cotton balls, Syringes and band-aids. The actual prep to just leave the house now takes 15 minutes. Luckily my teenagers are the greatest. They know all the things she can have and help to pack her up every time we leave. I honestly think my husband and I are going to truly miss the teenagers when they go back to school in the fall. I don't know how single parents do this type of thing without the help and support of a true family.

In all the diagnosis hasn't changed anything...well except our budget, holy cow are diabetic supplies expensive as heck! We are still going on vacation next month although we are probably going to end up paying for additional bags now with all the stuff she will need. But I have my baby back. My hyper, mommy loving, playing little rug rat. She's loving her daddy and running and jumping and asking to go swimming and to the park. What more could a mom as for!!

Monday, February 28, 2011


It's been an amazing year.
My baby girl has gone from a barely walking toddling little princess to a full fledged toddler. She's running and hopping and jumping and giggling and cuddling and being a princess. She loves all things Curious George and Calliou. She talks and we are weaning her off the paci little by little. I'm amazed at her growth.

Add to all of the above, my two older children are officially mine. They became mine on 1/11/11 in a courthouse in Phoenix. They are officially mine. The day I received their birth certificates where the mom's name now stated mine, I cried. I love every minute of being a mom to those two kids. Granted they drive me nuts. Oh wow do they ever!!

Dennis and I are planning a family trip to New York in July. I can't wait to get to see the light in my children's eye's when they get to see the statue of Liberty. When we get to take them to see where our ancestors came through. And then the petting zoo at Central Park and a million other things we have planned in two weeks that we will be there.

God Thank you for my life and everything you have given me. My life is Blessed!

Saturday, May 08, 2010

"The Call"

I don't know if many people have heard this song as it is considered "Country" I heard it for the first time on my way home from work a few months ago. I cried for almost an hour afterwards. My family has been touched by suicide twice in the last five years. And I sometimes wish I knew how I could of stopped it. It's not possible... there will always be those that do it without any notice. Lord how I wish it was possible to spot things easier.
The song is my Matt Kennon ( http://www.mattkennon.com )
There have been so many times I have picked up a phone and called people becuase I relize that it's been too long since I have talked. I hope that one day I am able to make someone realize that they are loved and when they make a decision to do something... that that decision affects so much more than just them.
When my uncle killed himself in 2005, it affected our entire family, all of his friends, his co-workers/bosses etc. I will forever remember the phone call I got. I will forever remember the last time I had talked to him about a week before he killed himself. I remember talking to him about having gastric bypass surgery and whether he felt it was a good idea. A week later, I never got to tell him how much I loved him, how I appreciated his fight to stay sober for so long. To tell him how much I looked up to him for his strength. To tell him that he was one of the reason's why I never went into drinking or drugs. Because I saw when he fell. But I was so damn proud of him when he rose up after that fall and how he became a Christian and how I envied his faith.
Two years after my uncle killed himself. My grandmother went into a deep depression, she said she wanted to die too. My grandfather took her and checked her into a psychatric care center a few days later they deemed her not a threat to herself. About a week later, my grandfather went to the store, came home and found her in the backyard...dead from a self inflicted gunshot wound.
For the second time in two years (almost exact to the day!) my family suffered a serious loss. I will forever remember, I was sitting at work (just as I was with my uncles death) I was sitting at lunch when the phone call came in. My life stopped in that second that I heard my cousin tell me that she was dead. that it was at her own hand. I cried for an hour. I walked upstairs to my boss and told her I was leaving work. I walked to my car and sat stunned beyond all belief for over an hour. My husband went with me to California. I sat there through the entire ceremony trying to figure out why. Why would my grandmother with children, grandchildren and great grandchildren do this. She had so much...but she had lost all hope, faith..everything when my uncle killed himself.

For the last almost three to five years I have been very angry at my grandmother and uncle for a multitude of reasons. My grandfather lost his son the day my uncle killed himself, and then two years later he lost his wife. My grandfather is 86 years old. It's not fair that he had to go through this. I am so happy that my grandfather is so strong. I love that man more than anything can express. He is the rock of my family. The person that I can always look to for a much calmer response. Wheras i'm an act now think later type of person. He is the calm down and take care of it slowly and weigh out the options type of person. But I can only imagine how he feels every day knowing that his son and wife have left him long before either of them should have.

My grandmother was one of the most supportive people I could have asked for when I was a kid and had severe depression. She was the person who when I went thru my divorce explained how much love I had and how I would get over everything. How God would provide a child for me in his time not mine.

the third (for my grandmother) and fifth (my uncle) anniversaries are coming up at the end of the month. I'm so scared. I'm so angry and I'm so sad... Depression is a horrible horrible thing in our family and as I sit here I am overwhelmed. I am sad. And I wish I could understand. Why...

Please everyone..remember and pray for those that suffer from mental illness..both seen and unseen...

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Seriously I know it's been a while since I've been active...But I promise I will try more

Since Sarah has been born. (well even before..it think I blogged more when I was single) Life has been hectic. I love hectic with her around. This weekend we did a few different things. My step son went off with his paternal grandparents on a trip with a cousin. My step daughter went to my sisters house Friday night and Sarah was sick all weekend with tummy issues..let's just say what goes in..came out in explosive measures. ON Saturday my sister wanted to go bike riding. I have a trailer for Sarah so we went out to ride. Except the trail we wanted to ride was not good for her since she had my 4 year old niece on the back nor was it good for me trying to tow the trailer (which you can barely notice exists when riding on a street) So we ditched the trails and decided to head to Surprise and ride around the park there. It was great there were nice sidewalks to ride on and once we got the kids situated appropriately we had a great six miles. But then Sarah got Fussy and my niece Ryleigh wanted to play at the park and my nephew who is every high maintenance wanted out of the trailer. So I took them over to the playground and my Step daughter, older niece and sister went and rode another three miles.
Once we got back to my sisters house around 9pm we determined that Sarah had not had a really bad diaper all day (yippee since we had changed up to ten each day for the previous five days). So we gave her a little bit of food. And within five minutes...all heck broke loose and there was a trail running behind her. that was awesome to clean up!! YUCK!!
So my Step Daughter Ashley and I came home and finally decided to go to bed. We got up this morning and went to church and then went and picked up Jeffery and then went to lunch with my Aunt. We went to CiCi's Pizza. It was alright. Definitely not as good as I remember it from Missouri but the kids enjoyed it..and it's cheaper then taking them to McDonalds and letting them get adult value meals that they usually want. Darn it when did my kids no longer eat happy meals. Meals out with them have officially started costing a LOT LOT LOT more money. Now that Jeffery is 13 and Ashley is 12....They want adult meals. Darn kids growing up... I'm just not ready for this.
So after we ate with my Aunt Shirley and her daughter Jessica, we headed over to Wal Mart. I had to pick up a few things for dinner tonight (it's amazing how much stuff I don't need/want when I go to a store full of food already LOL) we got into the car and Sarah was out like a light. We got home and I had hoped she would go back to sleep so Momma could take a nap...that didn't happen. Gotta train that girl better.
So I played online a little, played with Sarah, played Wii with the kids..and now the kiddo's are all in bed. Hub's and I are in the living room...He's playing a hunting game on the Wii and here I sit.

Honestly..this has been a great weekend..and I'm very sad that in less than 45 minutes...it will be over... and time for me to go to bed so I can go to work in the morning....

Thank you to those that prayed my baby girl would get better. As of right now it seems like she's feeling lot's better.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Long time no see

I have been so busy. Since the last time I posted I have seperated and now reuinted with my husband. I have worked catastrophe duty doing 18 hour days for two weeks and now we are busy as can be with Christmas and work and My baby girl and two step kiddos.
Life is good. I think the seperation really was one of the best things for us. It gave us insight as to what eachother really really wants. I believe we both learned a lot of things about what are important.

Life is good. It is Sarah's first Christmas and I am incredably excited. My little Sarah Beara is going to enjoy her first Christmas in California at her Grandpa Johnny's house and with her uncle Raymond and Aunt Lily and family.

Life is Good
God Is Great!

Thursday, October 22, 2009

I'm Angry

I don't even know how to go into this.
Last week on 10/13, I left my home of three years..drove to the courthouse downtown and filed for divorce. I just could not do it anymore. I couldn't take the anger the pain the constant disrespect. I just could no longer stand the arguments or the attitude. It wasn't just one person that caused my marriage to fail. I hold part of the pain myself. But honestly it was a few different people. I wanted so bad to make it work but I just could not any longer. I want my daughter to grow up happy and well adjusted. Three years ago I never ever ever thought I would end up being a single mother. I never thought it would end. No one ever goes into a marriage thinking..eh i'll give it a few months and if it doesnt work out...we can just go ahead and end it.

I want a happily ever after. Dennis and I are trying to work things out but honestly I need to start thinking more about what I want. Do I want to stay married? Do I want to give my daughter both a full time mother and a full time father?
I'm angry though. I'm angry all of a sudden he wants to be a father and I have to share. I'm angry that I am going to have to share with him. I'm angry that my baby is not just mine and because of my anger at him and my anger at the situation I'm not in the mood to play fair so that he get's to see her too. Who should have more custody me or him? I'm just so darn angry and so frustrated and honestly. I want someone to tell me it will all be ok. I'm not in the mood for the I told you so's or anything else like that.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

7 Months already

Dearest Sarh,
Today you turned 7 months old. I am amazed. You are the sweetest little princess. You are almost always happy and you love attention. Today we went to lunch with Aunt Liz and you giggled and laughed at the waitress but the second I walked away to go to the bathroom you cried. You know who I am and you hate whenI leave. You drive your daddy nuts with your crying...Maybe thats because I know exactly what you want almost every time you cry. He's clueless LOL. You are trying to hard to move around but would rather just roll wherever you want to be instead of trying to do that pesky crawling stuff. You love food. Today you had avacado for the first time. It was not a favorite however banana's, apples, and pea's all make you happy as well as a few of the mixed rice cereal/apples and things like that are your favorites as well. You will barely tolerate carrots and green beans..but eat them..just noth appily. You smile at everything you love your sister and brother.
You steal my heart, I love it. you always love to see me and when I get home from work the first thing I want to do is pick you up and hold you and snuggle with you. I love giving you a bath because you love to splash and laugh and play. I laugh every time I try to wash your hair when you start blowing bubbles in the water.
I'm sad that my baby girl is not the teeny tiny princess you were before, your becoming my little baby who will soon be my toddler..and before I know it you will be my teenager. Wow i'm scared!
I love you baby girl. Happy 7 month birthday

Thursday, September 17, 2009


So for the last six months my life has been a total change. I love it. Sarah has been great, she is teh most awesome little princess in the entire world. I could not imagine my life without her. She is on #2 foods and tonight gave me the scare of my life when she was eating a puff thingie and one got caught in her throat. I know that they dissolve with water but I still freaked the hell out and yanked her out of the high chair and swept the food out of her mouth instantly. she gagged and threw up a little bit but OMG I was like half a second away from calling 911~! My husband yelled at me for not watching her. Hell how much closer to her could I be since I was sitting right next to her. It just irritates me that I am the only one that ever pays any attention, i'm the only one that takes care of her 99% of the time and yet he has the audacity to tell me I wasn't watching her For Christs sakes i'm the only one that does. Grr..

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I owe you photos I know

My baby girl turned 6 months old two days ago. I can hardly believe it. She's attempting to crawl. She's sitting up for short periods of time. I am amazed every day by what she is doing. I cannot believe that this little tiny angel can take up so much of my time every day too! But without further ado...here are some photos.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

I'm such a horrible blogging Momma

I have been so busy. Let's start back to my last post.
In the end of June we decided to take a vacation before the Monsoon season hit and my work picked up so we spent 4th of July in Colorado Fishing/camping. It was fun but since Sarah is still so young I didn't get to do much of anything besides take photos and subsequently lose them because my SD card totally failed me. So I had to get a new one.
Once back in Arizona I have been working like a fiend. Sarah is growing so much. Between work and making sure her needs are taken care of I find myself with very little time. Since my husband leaves the majority of her care to me. I don't get the internet time and such. And since she's growing and no longer just a sleep/eat/poo type of baby LOL it's more work. But I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Tonight we went to Monster Truck Jam. The kids had a blast. Sarah even loved it.
I'll put up some photos soon :)
Gotta go though since it's ONE am...gawsh time never is on my side.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Sorry for the hiatus

I got back to work last month and with that dropped my allowable internet time. When I am home I am too busy smelling the sweet smell of my baby girl. A lot has gone on in the past few weeks. Last weeked my twin sister decided to tell the family. SHE'S PREGNANT. Which is great. When I was a kid I always knew my sister would have three children. (we are twins. I cant help but predict her future LOL) Most of the family members are hoping for a boy (we need more boys!) however my brother in law thinks it's twins. When we mention this to my sister she just freaks the heck out. Thinking she wouldn't be able to handle it. And my brother in law...the non church going one (although he believes in God he believes that church's are too commercialized and are too money hungry) anyways always reminds her that God will never give us more then we can handle. Funny how we all sometimes need this reminder.

And on to the other thing that has kept me busy. Dennis had surgery this past Wednesday. We still do not have the pathologist report. I honestly don't know if it's bad or good. The dr said the sample was quite large and the pathologist was taking extra time on it (is that a good sign? or a bad one?) So for those of you that Pray please pray good things. Anyways while he's home he has a catheter (the cyst was on his bladder and since they had to remove part of his bladder he cannot have any stretching of the bladder and thus he's on a catheter. which sucks because his wussy butt can't clean it out. So that falls on me...ARGH!!! However he is at least able to get up and down from bed and he's able to go out on to the couch and leave me alone in the bedroom LOL.
I'm off to lay down with Sarah again. She's taking her after noon nap :)


Sunday, April 26, 2009

Pissed off

Today I was in the shower...and I look up and see HELP ME inscribed in the shower wall. WTF. I called my husband into the bathroom while I was still in the shower...
My husband went directly to my son who is notorious for doing stupid crap like that. So... My husband calls my son in it and what does he do..he lies. So he lies again. I call him on it and he lies.
So finally my husband explains that if he is lying, and we find out Ash did not do it (she's at church with some friends and thus we cannot question her) that he will get in trouble no atter what cause then we will know he is just continuing to lie to us. So finally after almost an hour my husband asks him again if he wants to continue in the lie or be honest. Finally the little fool is honest. But WTF...why lie if you did it? Why lie at all? And furthermore..>WTF!!! Why the heck did you do this? What reason did he have to write HELP ME on the darn wall (he inscribed it with a push pin he's 12 years old we should not have to take all sharp objects away from him!!)
Finally i'm done though. I"M done with the lying, with him deliberately destroying things. A couple of weeks ago we were leaving to go to vegas when we found out that he bit two kids at school. so he got punished and didnt get to go..but in all of that we found out that he cut the girls pants and jacket that she had on two days before. So he's just being a destructive SHIT HEAD. and i'm done with it. i'm so tired of trying to reason with a child that just doesnt give a flying F!!!
Honestly if anyone has any idea how to get him to stop lying and just friggin be honest~!~~~please let me know..