Monday, December 17, 2012

So much pain

The last few days have been such a blur.  The pain I feel in my heart seems to be overflowing lately.

Many people do not know this but I have a twin sister.  She was born two minutes after me and ever since then I have talked to her almost every day, if not twice a day.  She was my support when I went through my divorce in 2004, and then let me live with her and her husband in 2005 when I moved from Missouri.  She was what I considered my best friend.  And then last year something happened that has torn us apart.  The last year of my life has been filled with pain for both of us. Neither of us can fix the wrong. But we still are divided by this.  I want it to be over but our respective spouses will never back down and thus our relationship will never be exactly the same.  And things happen in life that we cannot always go on the same way as we always have I understand that and respect that and have faith that God will provide the knowledge and understanding for things to change.  It's just very hard that one day our children were best friends and now a year later, they do not get to see each other as often because of this rift.  Please whomever is out there, pray for us. Pray that God can heal the pain and strife between us.

Second,  The recent murder of the 20 innocent children in Newtown Ct. has my heart overflowing with pain and anguish.  Every night I go to bed praying that my daughter will wake up in the morning.  That blood sugars will not go crazy in the night and that I will be able to hold her in my arms.  The parents of the 20 children will not get to hold their children any longer.  Their children have been sent to God and he will now watch over them.  They were innocent and did not deserve to spend their last minutes in this world in the Hell that the jerk created. I will not name him, I will not allow his name to be burned into my brain, he does not deserve what little inkling of brain cells it takes to remember his name.

It's not to say I don't understand mental illness.  However I do not believe that if you are mentally ill, you do not have some semblance or knowledge that something is going wrong in your head and that you should seek help.  I have a severe form of depression, I have for years. It drives me to be seriously distraught in normal life issues. So I take medication.  I watch myself for signs that the depression is rearing it's ugly head, and then two years ago anxiety creepily snuck it's way in. I manage my anxiety and depression, watching closely for things to change, because I do not want to be one of those people.  My husband and son are both bi-polar, both of them require medication, neither have ever desired to harm people.  However both have done things they do not remember doing but never intentionally. It's so darn hard really. To make a decision. What do you do..But at least TRY to remember that in life you must take care of yourself and if you do not feel like you can then you need to turn it over to someone to help you medically because you cannot go on in life and allow innocent lives to be destroyed.

No comments: