Saturday, February 26, 2005

me me me me me i wanna talk about me...

OK why is it that when you want to get something done..that no one is around to help.... I am supposed to be closing on my house on Monday the 28th of Feb. I get a phone call Friday at seven pm that they are not going to be closing on the house because the buyers are idiots and havent finished some paperwork. Why? Why do people have to wait till the last darn minute? I dont know anymore.
I Just want to get on with my life. I miss Travis so much....that I think the only way to get him out of my sistem is to get out of this place. I cant do it anymore. I miss him so much why is that. Is there any way to just STOP loving someone? I think this is the first time i've written in this blog that i'm not crying. I just dont have it anymore. I ache so bad.

My migranes are getting worse. Each week I suffer and the doctor doesnt know what to do about it all. I keep seeing the doctors but it doesnt seem to help. Travis would probably say it's all in my head and to quit stressing but hell...i cant.. Oh well such is my life...on to life!!


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Pain and Healing

I wonder sometimes if anyone ever reads this. Will anyone who knew me before the divorce read this and feel my pain. Probably not. I love my in laws so much but I dont think they care. They dont understand how hard it was for me to loose them and loose my entire family pretty much because their son decided he was too much of a friggin wuss to be a man and attend counceling and work on our marriage. No he decided to give up. Say that I cheated and lied to him. Very seldom did I lie to him. and usually it was about things that had nothing to do with anything that mattered. Yes I got my sister a credit card in my name. It was for emergencies only. Plus he's the one that helped run up the damn bill. She never even used it. But he doesnt care. It's all about him. All about how I ruined his life. Does he give a crap that he has destroyed my life. He has destroyed every semblance I had of happiness. Does he know that this past year and few months have been miserable for me? Does he even give a flying F***. He doesnt care about me. Funny thing is for years I prayed that he would love me and care more about me than that friggin Go Kart Trac. Did he ever care ??? No. I begged for years for him to pay more attention to me then to that damn trac...did he ? no he'd rather be the damn pawn to his boss. He never cared. He thought I cheated on him with a guy from work. Too bad he didnt understand that ninety percent of what Jeremy and I talked about was my relationship with TJ. But no I slept with Jeremy!!!! at least that's what TJ thinks. Funny thing is. I would never do that . I always promised if I wanted to sleep with someone else i'd leave him. Funny thing is. I'm not the one that decided to leave. it was him. he's the one that told me he didnt love me. He's the one that said he wanted out. He's the one that said it was over. WHY ???????????Why didnt I get to make a freakin decision?? I hurt so damn bad I wanted to kill myself when he said that. what was I supposed to say? OH umm ok...well I will just stop loving you all of a sudden...NO i couldnt do that could I ? i'm here. hurting like no body's business. and he doesnt care. There's a song that goes "my hearts as empty as a monday morning church" that's how I feel. I wanted children with this person....I tried for years to make his child but I meant nothing to him. did he ever love me? Did he ever care that I was in pain and needed him? I dont think it ever mattered to him the pain I was in each month when I couldnt get pregnant. I dont think he cared ever. That each month when i'd get my period and knew I wasent pregnant again that my heart was shattered. no he didnt care. he cared more about himself and his boss and that damn go kart trac. Why? what the hell did I do ?

I just want to start healing. How do I start doing that? Someone Lord Please tell me. Because I dont think I can handle this pain anymore.....