Monday, December 26, 2016

Merry Christmas.......

Anyone besides myself drugged? Because I'm not sure I should be allowed to facebook/blog and take pain medication. Although I truly feel like calling people out...and this is likely the only time I would ever do it. Feeling melancholy as I feel a combination of jealousy and hatred right now. Wishing that I could read minds and stop having feelings. Wishing it was possible for me to say what I mean and mean what I say. Too often i'm scared to death of what other people think of me. and i'm too afraid to tell people what I feel or why I feel a certain way.

The new year is right around the corner and I feel so damn alone. But that's always how i've felt around people... Alone in a room full of people. But hell i'm so much happier being alone than being married and feeling alone.. Lord how I hated being married. Every day dreading going home. seriously tears practically every night because nothing I said or did was ever enough. Work 70 hours in a week, but while doing that make sure the house is clean, kids medical appointments were taken care of, make sure his needs were met, make sure food was provided for all meals.

I don't miss it. but I do wish I had someone that would talk to me.... tell me I look pretty?? ... but hell a few months ago I was told, I'm too fat to be pretty. I'm good enough to sleep with (and believe me... I may be fat but my self esteem isn't low enough that I would EVER sleep with someone that said this to me!) but i'm not good enough to date or to take out into public because i'm too fat. Who wants to take me into public. i'm an embarrassment. Hell even my family for the last 20 years have been embarrassed of me. People look at my twin and possible way... Imagine for 37 years being compared to the movie TWINS... Danny Devito Vs. Arnold Schwarzenegger... One twin has it all...the other is just worthless. One has the looks, the other... nothing. Lord how I wish I could have the faith of God back in my world. But I feel so damn let down. Having an imperfect child. The one that is broken. and I can't fix her. I did everything right. I ate well, didn't drink caffeine. Took all my prenatal medication. everything right..... and my baby is the one with problems. What did I do to make it so my baby is broken? She doesn't deserve it. Not one but TWO auto immune diseases. One that could kill her without the slightest inclination. And I swear if someone says...At least it's not Cancer. .... I may throat punch them. Diabetes has so many fucking complications. My daughter can't have a normal fucking childhood because the world revolves around this fucking disease. Every day, check the number, treat the number, eat, treat, exercise, treat the number. it never ever fucking ends... and it takes a toll, not just on my poor baby but on me. Because I hate it... Because I have no fucking tolerance for the bullshit anymore. Do I fucking care if you got a new car. No I don't fucking care. I fucking care that no one in my family except my damn sister even fucking bothers to know what the fuck I deal with. But hey... Catherine's the one with a damn attitude so it's perfectly acceptable to be an ass to her. Guess what... I may be fat...but at least i'm not a fucking asshole!!!

UGH...and on that note it's midnight and i'm going to bed so I don't totally alienate all my family and friends.