Monday, December 26, 2005

For those of you that regularly read my blog

I know that I had to change the actual address of my blog. I had an issue with someone e-mailing me and being a completely hateful jackass. So I figured I would go ahead and change the information so that person could not read it anymore. I do not understand why people have to be judgemental jerks to everyone around them. Is their life so incredably boring and lonely that they need to find the time to read other's blogs and post hateful rude comments? I dont know but alas I have moved my blog and for those that have questions you can e-mail me directly.


Sunday, December 25, 2005

Merry Christmas.....

OK so i've had a headache since around noon. The family has run off to the movies and i'm here alone. Wishing this headache would go away. I'm also baking a cheesecake and getting supper ready. Were having Spiral baked ham...yumm.....

I was going to go see my mom but with the headache/migraine it is never a good idea to be some place that takes at a minimum of twenty minutes to get in or out of the building.

I think I royally pissed a guy off today... I guess honesty is not always the best policy..... I guess I should learn to have more tact.... I dunno....

Friday, December 23, 2005

Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas

For those of you expecting a Christmas Card. Sorry.. They will go in the mail tomorrow and I know once again something I send out will be LATE.

I'm so incredably bored. and not really caring about the holidays this year. I guess not having someone to celebrate with has really made me care less about the actual festivities oh well I guess. Life goes on and When God closes a door he opens a Window. So I need to be patient and have faith.......easier said then done.


Saturday, December 10, 2005

I'm bored. what can I say....

I'm bored so lets see:

You Are

An Angry Pumpkin Face
You would make a good smashed pumpkin.

The Keys to Your Heart
You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.
In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.
You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.
Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.
You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.
What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

In a Past Life...
You Were: A Friendly Philosopher.
Where You Lived: Germany.
How You Died: Hung for treason.
Who Were You In a Past Life?

Your Kissing Purity Score: 46% Pure
You're not one to kiss and tell...
But word is, you kiss pretty well.
Kissing Purity Test

How You Life Your Life
You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.
How Do You Live Your Life?

OMG this last one about how I live my life is so true... Kinda freakishly similar...

You are a Believer
You believe in God and your chosen religion.Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..Your convictions are strong and unwavering.You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

Pepperoni Pizza
Robust and dominant.When you go for something, you go full force.You tend to take control of situations easily.And in return, you get a ton of respect.

And to think..Pepperoni is my favorite pizza...well actually meat lovers is..but I dont think that was an option :)

You're A Passed Out Drunk
Drinking gives you that warm fuzzy feeling, until you're thrown in the back of a police car...
What Kind of Drunk Are You?

And thus...I seldom drink for fear of being the above named person....

How You Are In Love
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You give and take equally in relationships.
You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.
How Are You In Love?

Let's see if I can get this darn thing posted.

Friday, December 09, 2005

As I sit here....

I sometimes wonder why people do the things they do.

I received an email yesterday. From a guy whom I really like. This e-mail was a forward I dont think I should of received. It was a request to "help me find the love of my life."

Gee if that isnt a slap in the face.

Apparently, being with me isnt enough he's looking for the next best thing. It's so frustrating trying to search and find that one person that will love me unconditionally. I think i'm just going to give up dating or talking to people as this has to be a million times easier then getting hurt each time I turn around.....

Life is not easy...and it seems that it's not going to get any easier either...


Thursday, November 17, 2005

Hurricane Katrina I stopped feeling sorry for them now...

I'm fully aware that I am not a person that tolerates ignorance or stupidity well. So here's my opinion....

Recently FEMA has announced that those people that were displaced by the hurricanes earlier this year are going to have their housing cut starting in December. Thousands of people have been living in hotels since this happend almost three months ago. In those three months they have been given THOUSANDS of dollars to pay for their housing, food, and other asundry goods. These people have been handed jobs, new housewares, and in some cases given the opportunity to rent homes for lower prices. These people have had three months of paying NOTHING for their housing. I understand that they have lost many of their items (if not all of them) as well as been displaced however, after all they have been given many are still living in hotels and motels. Living off of FEMA. Why is it that they did not think in the three months they've been there that it would be a damn good idea to save up some money and find a place to live. I understand many thought at first they would be able to go back to their homes and maybe didnt think to do this. But after a few weeks...was it not obvious? They have been given the opportunity to save money (one family i know PERSONALLY received three months of hotel rooms, hundreds of dollars for food from the Red Cross and beaceaux amounts of free money for clothes etc....all while receiving government assistance for food as well as welfare and everything else they were getting in Texas....) They literally have four thousand dollars "saved" all the while they have been living in a Yet they are complaining that they have to move by the first. They have money in the bank...what the hell is the problem!!!

I give up I have no sympathy for these people just because they were welfare idiots back in Louisiana or Texas does not mean that they should be able to mooch off the government for the rest of their damn lives. Ask me if i'm racist....and I will say i'm racist against ignorance, stupidity and people that just plain are too damn lazy to get off their asses and get real jobs to supporty themselves and their damn families....

Monday, November 07, 2005

what is my blog worth?

yeah about that test........

So I got to the testing facility today. Check in. Got
seated....GO thru the test thinking that like 60 % of
these questions are NOT NOT NOT related to the
questions/studybook that we had. Why is that? Am I
taking the wrong test...Nope not the wrong test...So
what the heck happened?...........

So I took the test....

Hoped and prayed......

Played a lot of Eeny




And finally they ask if I am ready to finish and I
select yes. Thinking that that's a good idea and

So it then says................

Do you want to take a short Survey??

I'm like oh HELL NO>>!!! So I select no and it goes
like this..

Are you sure...

Are you definate youw ould not like to assist us with
a short survey...

Please help us to make this testing factility a better

Thanks you for tryin the quiz...

Click here for your final score.......

and I click

and the page looks like psycho babble mess...


Finally in size two font I see..........

"you've passed"


too bad i'm not allowed to scream YIPPEEEEE in the
testing class....

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Can you tell i'm bored tonight.

Your Fortune Is

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
The Wacky Fortune Cookie Generator

You Are 50% Boyish and 50% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

Brainy Kid

In high school, you were acing AP classes or hanging out in the computer lab.

You may have been a bit of a geek back then, but now you're a total success!

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You have a passion for everything - including sleeping.
Outgoing and brash, you tend to still shock those who know you well.
You tend to be selfish. You are the most likely type to hog the covers.
You gravitate toward comfort and don't like extreme situations.

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 5 out of 10 right!

Your Career Type: Conventional

You are orderly and good at following a set plan.
Your talents lie in working with written records and numbers in a systematic, orderly way.

You would make an excellent:

Bank Teller - Bookkeeper - Court Clerk
Mail Carrier - Post Office Clerk - Secretary
Timekeeper - Title Examiner - Typist

The worst career options for your are artistic careers, like comedian or dancer.

Visitor the Other night

LOL OK for those that have asked the visitor the other night was just a friend Sheesh i've had half my family and a bunch of internet friends ask who I was Screwing the other night.... Give it up!! I wasnt..I was unpacking and then sleeping!


I couldnt Resist

International symbol of marriage is Approved
New York -AP- On Oct.27, 2005
After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission on Human Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage:

Birthday:October 28
Birthplace:Torrance, California
Current Location:Phoenix, Arizona
Eye Color:blue
Hair Color:blonde
Right Handed or Left Handed:right
Your Heritage:a mix of all caucasian backrounds
The Shoes You Wore Today:New Balance
Your Weakness:Love
Your Fears:Love..Spiders..pain
Your Perfect Pizza:meat lovers
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:it's kinda close to the end of the year....I've already accomplished everything I wanted too
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:ROFLMAO
Thoughts First Waking Up:Is there enough time to go back to sleep for a little longer
Your Best Physical Feature:eye's
Your Bedtime:between ten pm and one am
Your Most Missed Memory:Umm..It cant be missed if it's a memory? unless I forgot it then how would I know
Pepsi or Coke:Dr Pepper
MacDonalds or Burger King:Neither
Single or Group Dates:Single
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:neither
Chocolate or Vanilla:Chocolate unless there's french Vanilla
Cappuccino or Coffee:Cappuccino
Do you Smoke:no
Do you Swear:unfortunately
Do you Sing:lol sometimes
Do you Shower Daily:sometimes twice a day if I need it even!
Have you Been in Love:yes
Do you want to go to College:I did...and I plan on going back..I must be crazy
Do you want to get Married:umm...been there, done that, got the t-shirt...but maybe again one day who knows
Do you belive in yourself:Sometimes,
Do you get Motion Sickness:YES
Do you think you are Attractive:depends on the day and my mood
Are you a Health Freak:no
Do you get along with your Parents:lol..that's funny
Do you like Thunderstorms:yes
Do you play an Instrument:unless my cell phone counts then no
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:actually no
In the past month have you Smoked:NO
In the past month have you been on Drugs:only birth control.....
In the past month have you gone on a Date:yes
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:yes
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:not a whole box but a few out of a box yes
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:yes...California roll for lunch on Thursday
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:no
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:yes
Ever been called a Tease:yes
Ever been Beaten up:no
Ever Shoplifted:no
How do you want to Die:having sex or in my sleep
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:an adult? LOL A teacher maybe
What country would you most like to Visit:Ireland
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:Blue
Favourite Hair Color:Brown
Short or Long Hair:SHORT
Height:taller then me
Weight:no comment i'm not really picky just not too skinny
Best Clothing Style:comfortable!
Number of Drugs I have taken:none
Number of CDs I own:a lot
Number of Piercings:ears maybe...
Number of Tattoos:a few discreet
Number of things in my Past I Regret:2

Thursday, November 03, 2005

New Apartment

OK so Tuesday I got the key's to my new apartment...Isnt that Kool!!!

So I got some stuff moved in and I was all Gung HO about spending the night there.....I was there for an hour and a half all alone..and I started Crying..I was scared :( Gawsh I'm an idiot.... So I called my sister crying about how I dont like being alone (yes i'm a wuss thank you to that person that so nicely pointed that out). So I drove back to my sisters house and walked into see my sister and her fiancee holding down my cat and both of them freaking out as the cat had a bad infection seeping out of his right "shoulder." So I Rushed him off to the emergency vet...I was there until two thirty in the morning. So I get my baby boy home...with a bunch of antibiotics and cuddle with him a little bit and fall dead asleep...Only to be awakened by my sister at five am.... So I got up..Gave the kitten his antibiotics again and then got ready for work. I went to work looking like a psycho lol...not enough sleep will do that to me..

So Harley is doing a lot better but still limping really bad....

Back to the apartment.....

Last night I went back and made it a lot more comfy....And was so tired from the night before that I fell asleep the minute my head hit the pillow. Then thanks to a friend...I was more comfortable staying there.... so in is getting good...and I had my first visitor last night so I kinda felt kool lol...Finally my own place with no one to answer too......


Saturday, October 29, 2005

Interesting Quiz...

2x2 Questions*

2 names you go by:
1. The one my mom gave me (Catherine).
2. Auntie Cathy.

2 parts of your heritage:
1. German.
2. Irish.

2 of your everyday essentials:
1. Bottled Water.
2. Computer/Internet.

2 things you are wearing right now:
1. Tank Top.
2. Pajama Bottoms.

2 of your favorite bands or musical artists (at the moment):
1. Reba McEntire.
2. Nickleback.

2 of your favorite songs (at the moment):
1. Pictures (nickleback).
2. She Let Herself Go by George Straight.

2 things you want in a relationship (other than love):
1. Ambition.
2. Sense of Adventure (I found neither in my ex).

2 truths:
1. My friends mean everything to me.
2. I love to cuddle.

2 physical things that appeal to you (for your partner):
1. eyes.
2. back side.

2 of your favorite hobbies:
1. Internet.
2. Reading.

2 things you want really badly:
1. Love.
2. Kids (when I get the above item).

2 places you want to go on vacation:
1. Maine.
2. Ireland.

2 things everyone should do:
1. Give Respect.
2. Take Responsability for their actions in life no matter what has happened to you.

2 things you are thinking about now:
1. How hard it is to think of anything creative to put in these damn things (that's why I hate them).
2. Why men dont know what they want in life

2 stores you shop at:
1. Wal Mart (I know i'm one of "those" people).
2. Pets Mart/Petco.

Most embarrassing moments:
1. Telling a friend I loved him...Cause he called me at two am and was asking me a question and by force of habit when I got off the phone (was still pretty much asleep) I told him I loved him!!! And I had a crush on him at the time...
2. Puking in auto class when I was a Junior in high school.

What POOH Character are you?

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Nine More days..........

OK everyone...Nine more days till I get to start moving. I'm excited..but still in the...what happens if I dont make it on my own phase...and that phase really sucks!! But alas...My new job provides more money than i've made before so it should all be good :)

I'm looking forward to not having to sneak into the hous elate after a date without waking up my sister and getting the third degree. I'm also looking forward to being able to sleep in without my niece coming into my bedroom going.............i'm hungry....can you make me ---------------(fill in the blank)........But i'm sure as hell going to miss that too lol....
but as life goes will be better :)


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Twelve more days...........

ok twelve more days till i'm outta here. Some how my sister and brother in law will miraculously be on vacation the weekend I move..>Damn!!! What good are they too me if they arent here LOL>..alas. hopefully my friends will all come thru for me. But we shall wait and see...


Tuesday, October 18, 2005

She Let Herself Go.

OK so i've done a lot of thinking lately....Compliments of my one year anniversary showing up in a week.....I ran across this song the other day....I cried as it reminds me of myself. I've done so many things in the last two years that I never thought I would do. I moved 1500 miles back to live near family. I've started wearing makeup more often. I actually have friends. I didnt go curl up into a ball and die as I first thought I would. I'm a better person I hope and a happier person. Yes I miss the old days...but I now look forward to the future............

Artist/Band: Strait George
Lyrics for Song: She Let Herself Go
Lyrics for Album: Somewhere Down in Texas

He wondered how she'd take it when he said goodbye.
Thought she might do some cryin': lose some sleep at night.
But he had no idea, when he hit the road,
That without him in her life, she'd let herself go.

Let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City:
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn't love her no more,
She let herself go.

She poured her heart an' soul into their three-bedroom ranch.
Spent her days raisin' babies, ironin' his pants.
Came home one day from the grocery store and found his note,
And without him there to stop her, she let herself go.

Let herself go on her first blind-date:
Had the time of her life with some friends at the lake.
Let herself go, buy a brand new car,
Drove down to the beach he always said was too far.
Sand sure felt good between her toes:

She let herself go on a singles cruise,
To Vegas once, then to Honolulu.
Let herself go to New York City:
A week at the Spa; came back knocked-out pretty.
When he said he didn't love her no more,
She let herself go.

To Vegas once: Honolulu, New York City.
Came back knocked-out pretty.

Monday, October 17, 2005


1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? Hair--gotta judge how bad the train wreck is. :-)

2. How much money do you have on you? Five bucks I think..

3. What's the first word that comes to mind that rhymes with "TEST?" Rest.

4. Favorite plant? Um...I'm not so much into the greenery. I like flowers. But usually wild flowers...

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? My bestest friend in the whole wide world....LYNDER :)

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? Amazing Grace

7. What shirt are you wearing? Green Dress Shirt (just got home from orientation from my new job)

8. Do you "label" yourself? I suppose--though (unfortunately) probably not as much as I label others.

9. The brand of shoes you're currently wearing? None however about twenty minutes ago when I walked in the door I had on New Balance

10. Bright or Dark Room? Dark--no overhead lighting, and only one lamp. I should probably buy another one--my eyes are bad enough as it is.

11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? Umm...Interesting person...dont know i'd want to be her...;)

12. Ever "spilled the beans?" Yup. More than I'd like to admit.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? My niece puked everywhere about ten minutes before...SO I was cleaning up puke cause my brother in law was gagging...and my twin was gagging..and was I but I just cleaned it up like a Good Auntie and let my niece sleep in my bed...

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say?
Linda wrote me yesterday and it says Home? Work? she wanted to know where I was so she could call me :)

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups?" I avoid them like the plague.

16. What's a saying that you say a lot?
"That's F***** Up"

17. Who told you they loved you last? My twin...Cause I took her coffee to her work...I think the people she works with thinks' she's spoiled by me...cause the last two days i've been to her work three times taking her food or starbucks:-)

18. Last person you hooked up with? Oh, I don't kiss and tell...but he's a cutie!

19. Last furry thing you touched? My precious doggie, Sadie.

20. How many drugs have you done in the past 3 days? Prescription........Two ....otherwise...none

21. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? I only have a digital camera :) So it dont matter.

22. Favorite age you have been so far?'s been an interesting year...Single for the first time, dating, moved,

23. Your worst enemy? The gym.

24. What is your current desktop picture?
At home, Sadie..........At work...........My twin, niece and I together.

25. What was the last thing you said to someone?
That's what you get for letting my twin sister buy something like that............(Said to my brother in law who was complaining about some halloween decor she bought)

26. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to change a major regret?
Show me the money...regret don't pay the bills.

27. Are you in love with someone? Still workin' on that be continued.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Falling in Love

So.....What's this thing called love anyways? After being divorced for almost a year and seperated for almost two, i'm wondering if it's even worth it. I fell in love for ten years. And where has that gotten me?..............Sitting in a chair in my sisters office blogging online...GREAT!! :(

Ahh well life is looking up. If only I could figure out what J*** wants from me. But we shall wait and see I guess.

I've been talking a lot to my mother but havent gotten to go visit her a lot. With my new job and everything though things will get easier. Once i'm firmly situated in my new apartment we can spend more time together. Right now were thirty five miles away from eachother. But i'm truly not holding my breath anymore.

After almost twenty six years i'm actually moving into an apartment all by myself...Kinda scary... I definately need to start my life with the new job and new apartment...and i've been loosing should be good :)


Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Good News for me Today!!!

OK so i know everyone wants to know LOL

So i've been biaching about not liking my job off and on for the last few months. I have been to three interview's for USAA...and guess what..........I'm starting a new job on Oct 24th.........

Other good news...I've been living w/ my twin....and today I leased an apartment :) it's a one bedroom/one bath 640 sq feet. I am so excited....

things are looking up for me...


Sunday, October 09, 2005


1. How old were you when you found out Santa was not a jolly man, but your Mom and Dad? I was really young. and I didnt really care...probably around five. I think really I always knew...

2. Who was the first celebrity's poster you had hanging on your wall? I'm sad to say that it was probably the New Kids on the Block.

3. How many times have you heard the phrase, "Please step out of the car Ma' am/Sir." Actually, never....

4. What is the lamest reason for breaking up with someone you have ever given or received?
I dont love you anymore and I havent for a while.

5. What is the dumbest lie you ever told your parents to get out of something? I seldom lied to my parents. What's the point.

6. Paper or Plastic? Plastic--so I can use them as trash bags when I forget to go to the store.

7. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were little (under 10)? A lawyer...

8. What do you want to be when you grow up now? In my fantasy world, I'd like to be a stay at home mom.

9. What kind and color of underwear do you have on right now? Pink and yellow ones.

10. What CD are you ashamed to admit you own and listen to? Dont really have any...

11. Who would you sleep with if you had the opportunity to? Oooh, tough question. I dont really have anyone in particular

12. Finish this sentence and say what movie this is from. The FBI is going to pay me to ______? I have no idea on either count.

13. Are you a lame asshole who lied on the above question? No, I'm a lame asshole who doesn't know the quotation.

14. Why did you come to the blog that tagged you? Because I love my friend that tagged me.

15. What is your biggest fear? Being alone for the rest of my life.

16. Do watch a lot of reality television? Not really. I like Survivor sometimes.
17. Have you ever slept with someone and wondered why the hell you did that? Um, yeah. Who hasn't?

18. What is your biggest regret? I don't believe in regret--every decision, good or bad, makes you who you are.

19. How old where you and what happened the first time you got drunk? I was years eve we went out cause my friend wanted me to be happy!! I got drunk....she drove me home and I puked the next morning.

20. Which would you rather be, the hammer or the nail? Just like Simon & Garfunkel, "I'd rather be a hammer than a nail..."

21. What is your favorite curse word? Definitely the F-bomb.

22. If there was one thing you could ask your parents, but never had the guts, what would that be? I can pretty much ask my parents anything--the few things I don't know, I don't want to know.

23. What are 3 things that make you go Hmmm? Long division, fashion "don't"s, and hypocrisy.24. Real of fake boobies? Mine? Real.

Friday, October 07, 2005


I got home today and my grandparents were home. It's been since June and the goodbyes at the cemetery since i've seen them. Not much has changed. I miss them a lot and wish they lived closer. I cant move to California however. So we did discuss them moving out here. That would be interesting. I love them and would love for them to live closer. However since my uncle's suicide back in June my grandmother has definately become neurotic. I wonder sometimes if shes going to end up like my great grandmother w/ alzheimers. I pray that she doesnt. But I wonder as I know it can be passed down.

My grandfather is as quiet as ever. Barely says' a word unless spoken too. He does however stand up for the underdog and he is heard when he has something to say. Gawsh I love that man!! HE means the world to me. I pray every day that he will be in my life another day. So far so Good (Thank you Lord!)

We went to Macayo's and had dinner. Offered to pay but I dont think my grandparents have ever let anyone pay.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Thanks !

It's ten fifty at night and I have to work tomorrow. Should I be I care...not really. I want so bad to get the hell out of that job. I pray that I get the new job w/ USAA. It's all sounded very promising but i've not heard anything. I think I want to cry. However I know that it's taken a very long time for a lot of things to finalize w/ them so I'm assuming this is just another hurry up and wait thing with them.

To all my friends back in Missouri...DAMN I miss you!!!! I wish I was able to get back there but unfortunately, due to those things called BILLS....I cant come just yet...but i'm working on it I promise!!

((HUGS)) to all,


Monday, October 03, 2005

Lessons Learned....

OK so I went to see my mother yesterday we have never gotten a long since I was a child. I don't know why. I know i've been angry at her for years. I never got to have that perfect child hood that every child deserves. I am angry for the way she treated us as we grew up. The only thing I ever wanted was a mother. Instead I got the friend. However friend isnt even the word. The one time I really needed her she hurt me more then anything. No child should ever be blamed for something that is not their fault. No faults should ever be thrown back in their face. But she did. I dont think she even cares anymore. Or even know's why we are not the happy-carefree mother/daughter we were so long ago.

She has a great relationship with my sister. I think that's because my sister can give her grand children. I cant. I wont. I want to be in love with someone and married before I decide to have children. I went to see her and she acts as though i'm not there. She talks about pretty much anything but my life. I try to get into a conversation. Try to get support but all I hear is about my grandparents, or my sister, or my brother or money or what she's doing where she's at. But never does she has no desire to know any pain i've had in my life. She's never coped with anything. Never been supportive of me. Never has she wanted to be. Is it so bad that I want my mother to tell me everything will be ok even if it wont be? The I told you So's and the rubbing of things in my face still hurt but she doesnt care. I'm 26 years old almost and I feel like my mother is more of a sister. My mom said last year I borrowed money from her. I dont remember any of that. I remember borrowing money from my grandfather and my brother and never her but she insists. She must be smoking something because she owes my sister and I and my brother money...She must be going senile in her 43 years! Oh well I guess.

I'm gonna go....


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Out on the Lake today

ok so I went out on the lake today with a friend..... Saw a beautiful full rainbow...if I'd of been less occupied I would of snapped a picture of it.... So in all it was a nice day. Worked six hour's of Overtime today...two and a half yesterday and tomorrow...will be another two and a half...Yes i'm hoping for a REALLY nice Oct 15th paycheck.. Thats' what i'm using to hopefully move out of my sisters house!

Oh and Lake Pleaseant was very Pleseant and on a Tuesday afternoon...there's darn near no one there LOL but I think that has to do with people at niece however was sufficiently TICKED when she found out I went out on the boat without her lol Now I can rub that in LOL and she hates it :)

Anyways...Please for everyone who know's me and my twin say a prayer for her as she's having problems with this pregnancy as well. We dont know what's going on but as in everything else in our lives...God's will, will be done...

Friday, September 23, 2005

My birthday's coming up.......damn that sucks...

OK so i'm up at ten fourty PM and I have nothing else better to do on a Friday night then to sit here and type in my blog. I'm chatting with some friends online but. Sheesh how pitiful am I :P. Anyways. Wanted to respond to an email I received today.

I am 25 almost 26. For the last three years my birthday has been HELL. my 23rd my best friend killed himself. my 24th my ex asked for a divorce and my 25th I received my 26th will be spent in court..........Is there ever going to be a good birthday for me?????I want a real birthday with cake and romance and feelings...NOT just sex and lust..but fun and love and .....damn i'm a romantic and a Christian so I dont sleep around..that destroys' all semblance of just going to get laid.

HURUFMPH ok it's past my bedtime. i'm going to get to bed..have to work OT tomorrow WHOO HOO Over twenty bucks an hour allllll day tomorrow...


Racism in 2005!!!! Sheesh!

OK so it's not much longer...and I shall be moving in to my own place...Isnt that great. I will finally for the first time ever live in an apartment that's all mine. I'm not so sure how much i'll enjoy it though's gonna possibly be lonely..>Wonder who my first visitor will be. I hoped for J** however....Now I dont know. i'm assuming that since he got back from his trip he's been busy with his new toys and therefore doesnt even care I exist. I swear men......amuze me.

So I went on a date the other night. Someone please tell me when it is ok for a man to make a rude racist comment on a first date!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This young and obviously well to do black man and his caucasian wife walk in together with their young child (obviously mixed) We are at a restraunt that is not HIGH end but high enough up there where I wouldnt be going myself cause i'm not into snooty places but apparently the guy wanted to impress me. Anyways so I am eating my shrimp ( Yes I ordered low priced on the menu i'm not a bitch) and this family walks in and is seated probably twenty feet from us. The guy goes "Dammit it's people that like fucking N*****s that is ruining the white blood of America" "You cant just breed people like that out of the white mans blood".......My jaw just dropped. Here I am sitting dressed on...thinking it was going to be a good meal. I comment to the effect of it's life and it's a choice and I dont see a problem with it. It's not for me but my entire family is full of mexican, asian and i'm sure somewhere in there black. But this guy just starts going on and on how we have to preserve the white race and that since i'm blonde haired and blue eye'd I should understand.

I was aphalled. If this is what dating is going to be. I think i'll stick with Fuck Buddies and friends. I got up and left the restraunt. I couldnt just sit there and let him think I was alright with his attitude or I thought it was ok to be a bigoted PRICK!!!!. Someone please tell me when this became an acceptable attitude. I went home and ate spaghetti O's.....tasted better then the damn shrimp did after that jackass ruined my meal...............


Tuesday, September 20, 2005

If I had a million dollars

OK so I have a hard time figuing out what to use as a title half the time. So what the hell...

I was driving home the other night...In lovely five o'clock traffic (which leaves whole helluva lot of time to think!). Anyways. I was driving home thinking about my life. My accomplishments, my family, and the people i've been with in life. There are so few people in my life that I could ever think back on and know that I wouldnt change a thing about our "relationship". Sounds silly I know. I did finally come to the realization that I am finally (thank GOD!) over my ex. LOL two years after we became seperated. I'm happier. Dont get me wrong I have my regrets. But I went on a date a few weeks ago (ok we had drinks I dont think that quite qualifies as a date I dunno...remember i'm knew to this) anyways we went out and talked and kissed and fooled around...and for the first time ever I didnt think of my ex once.....hea it's a step in the right direction!!



Sunday, September 18, 2005

If a man is talking where no woman can hear he still wrong?

OK not much to say tonight. Kinda bored really I have a date tomorrow evening. I'm not so sure i'm enjoying this dating thing. What exactly are you supposed to talk about? UGH...Although with this new guy we've discussed all topics from Religion to Politics to Racism...So I dunno anymore.

I still wish I was dating R or J and yet neither of them contacted me after a few dates..Is it really that hard just to say i'm sorry no longer interested..good luck! HURUMPH...

oh well...i'm not in this dating scene to just get laid. I want something else...a friendship, an exclusivity really...but we shall see what continues to happen...


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Looking for love in all the wrong places

So I wonder if I'm an idiot or just unlucky in love.

I met a guy. I enjoyed our first "date" as well as the second meeting and third too. But is it just me or do men have their own time table and only they are allowed to make the plans? It's like he has time for me when it's convienent for him only. He's not interested in me I guess for anything but that three letter word....let me give you a starts with an S and ends with an X.

I dont know what to think about the male population anymore. I want friendship and love and cuddling etc..But apparently from what i've been told i'm fuckable however not datable. I am fully aware that i'm overweight. I know i'm not attractive to all men. But I dont want just any man. I want a man who wants me for who I am not anyone else. I'm working on loosing weight. I wont be fat forever. So what when I do finally loose all the weight people wont date me because i'm skinny?

I'm not looking to change for someone unless it's a change for the better. After seven years of marriage I found myself. I dont necissarily love every aspect of my life. But I am who I am and that's all I can be. I dont want a replay of what happened two years ago. I'm over the divorce. and i've now moved on with my life. I can truthfully say i've had a few days where i've not thought of my ex at all...Good days are if I could just find someone to share them with......

Saturday, August 27, 2005

Girls just wanna have fun

I dont think it's entirely true that the only thing a man is out for is sex. However i'm beginning to think it's the majority of what they want. I want a man who can keep up with me in conversation as well as in bed. A man that knows what they want and is willing to tell me. I cant read minds. When someone asks what do I want to do, if I had a clue some days i'd tell ya! I thought men were the one's supposed to make plans. If I dont like the plans i'll let you know. When a man is asking me what i'm thinking about, be willing to listen to what I have to say and possibly give feedback dont go running off at the mouth over analyzing what i'm saying. Talk to me not my breasts. Dont think that just because i'm overweight that i'm desperate to get laid. If I have sex with you it's because I think your attractive (in some way), I think that we have met on some type of intellectual level and I think that you are a generally good person. If you decide were having sex dont make it about you remember me...i'm here with ya!. Sex is not just for your enjoyment. Me being with you is not because i'm lonely and need someone to be there with me. Sheesh. Give it up, if I wanted to feel alone emotionally i'd run away by myself


Thursday, August 25, 2005


OK so if anyone would like to reply I'd appriciate it....

How is it that men seem to not know how to say "i'm not interested" so i've been seeing this guy or WAS seeing this guy. No big deal. After a while though when i'd call he would call back like every fifth call or not answer text messages etc...So i'm like OK i'm gonna catch a clue here..and I quit calling him and everything....but here's the deal..why can a man just say "i'm no longer interested i'm sorry" or something like that. Is it really that hard? I mean I give that concession if I date a man a few times and i'm not interested.....guess what.... I'M NICE AND I TELL THEM I'M NO LONGER INTERESTED!!!!!!!!!!!!! argh!!! is it that hard!!!!!!!!

I swear I want to give up...but like i've always said

" Men....Can't live with em....and Sex is no fun without them......"

Discovery Health :: Dr Drew :: Warning

Discovery Health :: Dr Drew :: Warning

So this is one of my all time favorite people to listen too LOL :)


Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Darn Dentists

OK so this morning I get awakened by a dr's office calling to give me my test results......Everything was PERFECT LOL..MY MRI came back good, my tests all came back clean. I'm good LOL....So then i had to go to the dentist...he fixed the chip in my tooth and gave me two fillings and a cleaning. My mouth is a little sore now.

I also got prescribed the "patch" for birth control let's see how this goes LOL....

I'm hoping that it works well and I dont gain a bunch of weight on it we shall see how it works out...


Sunday, August 21, 2005

Sunday afternoon...

OK so it's a little past the afternoon. I'm really not doing much. I got up this morning with the intention of getting ready and going to church. However my sister wasent feeling great and thus I went ahead and just took my niece to the mall so that she could pick up a present for one of her friends for her birthday party today.
Once I was done picking up the present it got wrapped and I dropped her off and came home...I wanted to take a nap as I was out till two am with someone.....that caused a whole other story LOL...

OK so I met a guy. I enjoyed my night with him however I'm not sure...It has nothing to do with him though. I wouldnt mind making this a LTR however I dont think sex on a first date is always appropriate...I know he wanted sex it was obvious as well as me wanting it however I said no..there's just something about a first date and in a truck and having sex and another thing..there's the whole birth control talk...i'm not on B/C and we didnt talk about if he had a condom or not and thus....I just didnt have it in me. It would be different today lol but I want to know someone before just screwing them.. we did fool around...and he was a good kisser and very responsive to touching and holding. I guess we shall see. I called earlier today and left a message for him however have not received a phone call back...who know's if he will call me back. I guess we shall wait and see and be thankful for the night I did have...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Am I getting better? or just used to the pain.

Every once in a while I will come across a picture of my ex and I together. Back when we were happy. Gawsh how long ago that was.

I miss the togetherness. I miss the things we would do for hour's together like holding hands and talking. I miss having someone next to me at night.
I want to be loved. I want to know that someone loves me. But it doesnt happen. Why do I find the one's I can fall in love with but they want nothing to do with me? Am I so bad that I destroyed my one true chance at love.....

I pray daily that God gives me the strength to move on. But I swear each day is almost harder. I cant name a day that i've not prayed for forgiveness..And yet I was the one that didnt do anything.

I swear i'm a pitiful mess...

Sunday, July 31, 2005

What was I thinking!

LOL OK i'm just kidding it's not a big deal. I'm recovering from being hot as heck in this town. What was I thinking when I moved to Arizona! LOL It's so hot here. and right now it's in the hundred + degree w/ humidity above 59% can we say YUCKY!!!! I'm ready to get a/c'd they make personal a/c units so I don thave to get sweaty?? LOL. Guess i'll have to tough it out. i'm looking for apartments and everything so we shall wait and see what happens w/ all of that


Thursday, July 28, 2005

It's Thursday know where your life is??

OK so it's thursday night. I'm bored :P. I went out the other night for a little while. I dont know what i'm doing LOL someone please tell me there's a book out there that has instructions on dating.

I've not heard anything from R. at all so that's pretty much over. If he even cared he would at least IM me. Oh well...Guess that's the rules of my life..I always want what I cant have...

The picture is of my kitten Harley. My brother in law shaved him since he was sooo incredably furry..poor kitty cat. he now has a mohawk and a pouf on the end of his tail..poor kitty LOL


Sunday, July 24, 2005

Ahh and yet they've redeemed themselves

OK so I complained about Cingular and all the problems i've been having. So no big deal I'll deal with that. Now that Cingular has decided to go ahead and give me a replacement phone due to my Warrenty exchange. So I get my new phone and instead of a V400 they give me a V551..WHOOT WHOOT!!! Cause it's a great phone w/ bluetooth technology and video capabilities :)



Thursday, July 21, 2005


OK so today I call up cingular. Problem on my account AGAIN. Sheesh it's been like forever since i've had a normal bill. They dont seem to care. The customer service just completely sucks :( I'm kinda sick of it. OH well I guess...wonder if there's another service out there that actually works! ARGH!!


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Picture of me...

Life, Love, and Happiness

So i was supposed to go out last night and have a drink with a guy i've been chatting with online for about six months. I ended up with a migraine so I didnt go. This morning I was supposed to go to have an MRI done. I got there got suited up they stuck me in the tube and I FREAKED out. Did I fail to mention i'm claustraphobic? Oh yeah I am. even with my eye's closed and breathing slowly I still couldnt breath! SO I freaked out they took me out of the tube and I called me dr so he'd give me a sedative for the next time I have to go do it....Yeah i'm a wussie...what's your point.
I recieved a phone call today from the guy who I was supposed to go out with. Made plans for this weekend. Hopefully the migraines stay away...Guess we'll have to wait and see. it's like these migraines are ruling things in my life. But we shall see.

Other than that not much else going on....


Monday, July 18, 2005


OK so after dealing with idiots yesterday at the water park I go to work today only to deal with it more. I hate my job. I want a new one but...dont feel like putting forth and effort anymore. I need to get a life. Oh well. I am dating a little...which is always an interesting thing...Many stories to tell..kinda like the guy that farted for the first twenty minutes we were together...I finally got up to go potty and handed the waitress a twenty and left...was that wrong of me...OOPS LOL a faux Paux oh well...


Sunday, July 17, 2005

Do I have idiot across my forehead?

My niece and I went to my work picnic today. It was fun. Except is it just me or do parents not give a flying crap what their kids do? I got home around four and text messaged someone who I was supposed to go out to the movies with. Giving it just one last hope that he would text me back. No such luck. So at this point i'm taking the hint. Although I deleted his number out of my cell I had it in the text messages he's sent me previously. Now i've just gone ahead and deleted all his text messages...Everything.... I have a tentative date with a guy i've been talking too online. Well it's not even a date. were meeting for drinks to see how we like eachother before anything else happens.


One of those days

Have you ever had one of those days. Where you just wish there was someone at home you could go home too and spill out every hurt and woe? Today was one of those days. Combined with the fact that I dont think that the person I was hoping to date for a while even cares that I exist. I text messaged him twice today and never recieved a reply. It seems like the only time we get together to do something is when it's convient for him. I dunno. I dont want to be someones F*** buddy. I want more then that and I guess he's not wanting more then that. So I deleted his number out of my cell phone........and off my Messenger list. I dont need someone like that in my life anymore. If i'm not even good enough for a text message or phone call every once in a while...I dont need it. I dealt with abandonment issues from my father all my childhood and my entire married life I felt as if my ex didnt want anything to do with me and stayed away all the time. I dont want a boyfriend like that as well. Is it even possible anymore to find a man that wants a managomous relationship?

I'm not asking for a man to take care of me. I can do that fine all on my own. I do however want my emotional needs met. Maybe i'm too emotionally needy. I dont know anymore. Truthfully I dont know what i'll do if the above mentioned person does call me. I text him thursday about making plans for this weekend... he replied that he wanted to go...but then ignores me. I give least for now.... I'll just move on to bigger and better things I guess...too bad...I really liked this person.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Go to bed!

OK so it's one thirty in the morning. I just got done reading a book. For those that know me..I can blow thru a book in a few hour's if everyone would leave me alone :) So I read a book tonight..Quite interesting. It was on divorce and remarriage and the biblical aspects of it all. Definately an eye opener. I've thought a lo tabout what I want lately. Although i'm not going to spill my guts on here since who knows who's reading this. I'm glad that i'm free of the entanglment I had back in Missouri. I'm glad that i'm moving on with my life. Who know's maybe i'll find a person who will love me exactly the way I am. And wants me to love them unconditionally... It amazes me how much harder life has become since i've become single..but in a way. life is also so much more simple and relaxed compared to what it was's past my bedtime. Hopefully i'll get to go see Charlie and the Chocolate factory this weekend. I text messaged a friend to see if he wanted to go...Now let's work out plans :P


Thursday, July 14, 2005

Good Morning

So. It's a Thursday morning. I'm not quite used to this new shift yet. I woke up this morning thinking it was Friday. I'm used to being off on Wednesday so I woke up a little confuzzled this morning. No big deal. I love my new shift. Used to be when I lived in Missouri and worked this shift I'd go to bed at two or three am and wake up at ten thirty and get ready and rush out the door at eleven fifteen. Now I wake up at around seven or seven thirty and get up get online and get some stuff done around the house or just relax...much less stressful then running ninety to nothing trying to get to work on time. The only stressful time is attempting to get my darn niece to HURRY UP! She doesnt like to shower and get dressed and everything and it drives me insane. She's kinda lazy in that respect however she's seven so apparently that's normal.

Anyways on the dating front...nothing going on really. But I think what i'm going to do is take some time out of my life for me. I need to be happy with myself before anyone is going to be happy with me. :)


Tuesday, July 12, 2005


OK so this has been a somewhat slow week. Spent the day with my niece. Went out on a date again. New guy...Pretty nice however I dont know. I'm wishing the person I want to "exclusively" date would pull his head out of his...well you know...but it seems like seeing him once a month is good for him. A little frustrating if you ask me but alas..apparently this is how the whole "dating" thing works LOL.

I talked to a friend yesterday. He pretty much put me in my place. He told me that even though it's been almost two years since my seperation that i'm still playing the victum. Also that my attitude stinks... I complain a lot to him that i'm lonely and that it sucks being single. He advised me that no one is ever going to want a woman who cant entertain herself and who has to have a man in her life in order to be happy. So i'm pulling up a new outlook on life...No more poor me attitude and no more Oh life sucks kind of attitude. I'm putting a postive spin on my life from here on out. Let's just hope it works. My attitude has stunk. I've blamed a lot of my current problems on my divorce and my mother but from here on out...what happens in my attitude is all me. A reflection of me. No more blaming someone that my life sucks cause of them. :)


Friday, July 08, 2005

Come and Get your LOVE!

OK so here I sit yet again on a Friday night with a whole lot of NOTHING to do and a lot more of ABSOLUTE bordom......Oh well I guess...... One day I shall find a nice guy who loes me unconditionally :) I went on a date the other night...Was quite interesting to say the least....Too bad it seems like every man I meet is not quite ready for a relationship...Ready for sex...but forget the relationship :(

Sunday, July 03, 2005

it's been a while.

Yeah yeah I know it's been a while I've been busy moving. I'm now in Arizona living with my sister. I miss missouri a lot but I dont miss the memories. Things are harder out here. Monetarily anyways. I miss my friends. and most of all I still miss him. However i'm doing something some may consider hateful. I'm claiming bankruptsy and put down to surrender the truck. I cant help it. If I dont claim now then six months down the line the truck get's repo'd then i'm responsible for it. Not just that but that damn truck should of been out of my name a long damn time November 30th 2004 to be exact. So I dont really feel sorry for him. He's done nothing but hurt me all this time. And i'll be darned if i'll let him hurt my credit anymore so i'm just gonna claim the bankruptsy and get on with my life.

I'm living with my sister and her fiancee. It's not too bad really. I spend the majority of my free time with my niece and when my sister is home with my niece and sister. But i'm still lonely. I want someone who cares about me but I just cant seem to find that one person. Maybe I screwed that up by not making my husband happy originally. I dont know. i'm so tired of feeling like it was all my fault. No one cares that I was so damn lonely. That he worked so many hours. Heck his boss never put in as many hour's as he did. But they all thought it was alright. What about my needs? What about when my grandmother died and my work called him and he came and said "follow me and go home I dont have the time to bring you back to get your van later". Or when I was leaving to go to Kansas City to fly to California for the funeral and he didnt even care I was in so much pain. No one cared. Or how about when my grandfather was sick or the million of other times I needed him and he was never there. but no I was the horrible wife. Yeah our house would be messy but hell he lived there too! UGH I hate my life so much. I can only Pray that GOD gives me the strength to go on and get over it all and find someone who really does love me.

Catherine Tiffany

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Goodbye Missouri..Hello Arizona?

A few weeks ago I went away for a week to Phoenix. I went to see if I could find a job I wanted in Phoenix. I found one..Heck found two actually. I'm wanting to move out there. But sheesh I'm pushed. The friends I have here are like NO NO NO dont go...then I have my family there going YEAH YEAH YEAH move here!!! It's frustrating Dammit!!! I am supposed to be married and living happily ever after with my husband NOT making these damn decisions. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of having to make all the new decisions in my life. I want my life back. Tonight I made a mistake....the mistake was of popping in the old video of my wedding. Almost eight years ago.....we walked down an isle and said we would love honor and obey till death do us part...why the hell did this not happen? why didnt it last forever. Why cant he just tell me? But he has no excuse. He has no reasonsing. Yeah everyone keeps telling me to quit pining over him...quit trying to figure out why he has done what he's done. I'm so frustrated. Frustrated that I DONT KNOW and I HATE NOT KNOWING!!!

But i'm attempting to move on. I just dont want to be sleeping around anymore (not to say i've been sleeping around at all either). I want someone that really wants me to be me and really wants to be with me for something other then sex. Is it even possible? Is it possible to find someone that I can love again? Everyone I meet I compare to him....WHY !!!!!!!!! damn it pisses me off more then anyone will ever know...

Wednesday, March 09, 2005


It amazes me, That men have no qualms about sleeping around. I want to settle down and love someone forever...Yet for some men it's alright for you to just go ahead and screw anything/anyone. I'm just not like that. I cant be. I have too many morals I guess.

I want to live happily ever after. So there's this guy i'm somewhat interested in....he's cute as can be and guess what.. He's got an STD...genital warts...ok so they've been in remission for five years...but who would want to take that type of risk? NOT ME! I want nothing to do with any STD.

Oh well such is life..on to bigger/better things...

only a few more days til I leave for phoenix to interview like crazy. I want to get outo f the job im in right now.
i'm so darn frustrated...

I pray that the Lord will please take care of me in all of this.


Saturday, February 26, 2005

me me me me me i wanna talk about me...

OK why is it that when you want to get something done..that no one is around to help.... I am supposed to be closing on my house on Monday the 28th of Feb. I get a phone call Friday at seven pm that they are not going to be closing on the house because the buyers are idiots and havent finished some paperwork. Why? Why do people have to wait till the last darn minute? I dont know anymore.
I Just want to get on with my life. I miss Travis so much....that I think the only way to get him out of my sistem is to get out of this place. I cant do it anymore. I miss him so much why is that. Is there any way to just STOP loving someone? I think this is the first time i've written in this blog that i'm not crying. I just dont have it anymore. I ache so bad.

My migranes are getting worse. Each week I suffer and the doctor doesnt know what to do about it all. I keep seeing the doctors but it doesnt seem to help. Travis would probably say it's all in my head and to quit stressing but hell...i cant.. Oh well such is my life...on to life!!


Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Pain and Healing

I wonder sometimes if anyone ever reads this. Will anyone who knew me before the divorce read this and feel my pain. Probably not. I love my in laws so much but I dont think they care. They dont understand how hard it was for me to loose them and loose my entire family pretty much because their son decided he was too much of a friggin wuss to be a man and attend counceling and work on our marriage. No he decided to give up. Say that I cheated and lied to him. Very seldom did I lie to him. and usually it was about things that had nothing to do with anything that mattered. Yes I got my sister a credit card in my name. It was for emergencies only. Plus he's the one that helped run up the damn bill. She never even used it. But he doesnt care. It's all about him. All about how I ruined his life. Does he give a crap that he has destroyed my life. He has destroyed every semblance I had of happiness. Does he know that this past year and few months have been miserable for me? Does he even give a flying F***. He doesnt care about me. Funny thing is for years I prayed that he would love me and care more about me than that friggin Go Kart Trac. Did he ever care ??? No. I begged for years for him to pay more attention to me then to that damn trac...did he ? no he'd rather be the damn pawn to his boss. He never cared. He thought I cheated on him with a guy from work. Too bad he didnt understand that ninety percent of what Jeremy and I talked about was my relationship with TJ. But no I slept with Jeremy!!!! at least that's what TJ thinks. Funny thing is. I would never do that . I always promised if I wanted to sleep with someone else i'd leave him. Funny thing is. I'm not the one that decided to leave. it was him. he's the one that told me he didnt love me. He's the one that said he wanted out. He's the one that said it was over. WHY ???????????Why didnt I get to make a freakin decision?? I hurt so damn bad I wanted to kill myself when he said that. what was I supposed to say? OH umm ok...well I will just stop loving you all of a sudden...NO i couldnt do that could I ? i'm here. hurting like no body's business. and he doesnt care. There's a song that goes "my hearts as empty as a monday morning church" that's how I feel. I wanted children with this person....I tried for years to make his child but I meant nothing to him. did he ever love me? Did he ever care that I was in pain and needed him? I dont think it ever mattered to him the pain I was in each month when I couldnt get pregnant. I dont think he cared ever. That each month when i'd get my period and knew I wasent pregnant again that my heart was shattered. no he didnt care. he cared more about himself and his boss and that damn go kart trac. Why? what the hell did I do ?

I just want to start healing. How do I start doing that? Someone Lord Please tell me. Because I dont think I can handle this pain anymore.....

Sunday, January 30, 2005

What to do....

I dont know what to do anymore. I cry almost every day. The love for him has yet to fade away. I pray that the Lord helps me to heal my heart so that I no longer feel the pain that I have been feeling due to the loss of a husband in my life. He will always be my first love. I Just wish that he would be my only love. But he wishes it not...What else is there that I can do? It hurts to know that he doesnt love me anymore....What can I do however? I cant exactly sit and wonder for the rest of my life what i've done wrong.

I know God has a plan for me. But Lord please give me strength as this just is not what I want anymore. I want happiness and love and fun in my life. Right now it seems like it's just a time for me to be completely miserable.


Saturday, January 29, 2005

Is it possible????

Is it anywhere near possible to stop loving someone? I just want to know. I'm sick of waking up each day to an empty bed wishing and praying that it was different. Praying that someone would be there. Someone who I was/am equally yoked with. Someone who loves me for who I am. Someone that I love and care about just as much as he loves and cares about me. God has a plan. but in the meantime am I supposed to be miserable. All I do is think of him. I want him back. I want my life back and most of all I want to go to church again someplace i'm happy about going.

I was asked to leave a church I didnt think I was happy at. After attending various other churches.. Guess what I figured out. I didnt dislike my church. I miss it. I miss friends that I had there. but guess what...he got them in the divorce...why? Because his boss was our pastor. Is it fair? I want my church back, my husband back, my family/inlaws back. but what do I get? I get misery. I feel like i have NOTHING left in my life. Granted I have a twin sister and a nice who love and care for me. I have Christ in my life. But I Feel so incredably empty. Everone says I have to love myself before anyone will ever love me again. Well guess what....feeling empty like I do right now I dont think it's possible.......


Thursday, January 27, 2005

My day...

Sometimes....I just need a reminder that God is here for me..... Thankfully today I"m in a better mood.

Here is what's been going on this week..

Tuesday morning I'm awakened at eight thirty in the morning by the ex. He decided he wants into the house. WHY????? I dunno. But by law I have to give him a key or he can go ahead and call a locksmith then what? We would get into what my attorney called a "pissing contest"not the greatest language I know but I know what she means. I'm to the point where I cant handle the stress anymore. SO I went over to the old house and left a key where he could find it and left him some paperwork he needed to sign for the mortgage company to not foreclose on us. Well I couldn't stress myself anymore on Tuesday so I went ahead and waited until Wens morning and went over there. Praise God he did not do anything to the house except take the tires out of the garage which is what he wanted in the first place. No big deal there. I needed to get rid of them anyways. So after I'm done at the old house yesterday I think OH DARN I didn't get that paperwork he was supposed to leave so I run back into the house and look around....NO PAPERWORK!!!!!!!!!! I'm supposed to have it mailed back to the mortgage company ASAP!!!!!!! so I call his answer....I text message answer....get frustrated..but call the mortgage company and tell him that I'm sending a copy of it with MY signature on it and I'm fighting w/ the ex to get the other signature. He tells me no problem as long as mine is on there..but try to get his. so I wake up this morning (I swear the ex KNOWS when I'm dead asleep!!!) to his text message on my cell phone saying the paperwork is in the mailbox. So I go ahead and since my roommate was already over by the old house I ask her to pick it up. She does it for me for which I'm thankful and get that one mailed to the mortgage company as well today. Why...someone please tell me. Can he not make this any EASIER for me???????