Monday, June 10, 2013


It's the middle of the year.  It's the time of the year that I lost two of my most favorite people in the world 6 and 8 years ago.  I am in so much pain, I want nothing to do with anyone.  I am snappy to my children and stressed out.  I've alienated friends and seriously don't know how to cope.  The doctor increased my medication but I've not been taking it long enough to see any measurable difference.  I cry constantly. I cry for stupid stuff and my heart truly hurts.

Spent this past weekend at Disneyland with my oldest daughter, my 4 year old daughter and a friend of my oldest daughter.  It was pleasurable but if I stopped for just a second the sadness and stress overwhelmed me.  I hurt in so many ways.  My heart hurts, my head hurts I'm having a very very hard time carrying on.  I'm just plain hateful to my husband, holding anger for misdeeds from long ago. I sleep now more than ever before.  I have no desire to do anything.  Nothing seems to bring me happiness except for a few rare moments with my daughters.

My son is a whole other story.  He's living with his biological grandmother. Has been since February,  this too is part of my sadness.  I miss him. But I am so angry at him.  Angry because at 16 he know's what needs to be done but yet he doesn't seem to care to fix it.  He yells at his father and I like it's our fault he's not home with us.

I feel terrible for my teen daughter. I feel like I am failing her for relying so much on her to help with her little sister.  Diabetes is killing me and i'm not even the one with the disease.  I cry myself to sleep often thinking about my daughter so much so that I cannot function fully during the day and have to ask my teenage daughter to watch her little sister so I can take a nap.  I hate this.  I hate not having control.  I have not being able to be the mother I know I should be.

I hate the fact that I feel like I have absolutely no support from my extended family.  My twin sister and I barely talk. My brother and I had a terrible falling out and he wants nothing to do with me ever again (over something stupid and not my fault but I get blamed anyways)  My mother doesn't care.  I've never been her favorite. I truly believe that part of it is my weight.  I"m not the beautiful daughter.  I'm overweight and she's always been ashamed of me.  She's never outwardly said it but once when I was pregnant with my daughter and I asked her to attend a prenatal appointment and they said my weight outloud I heard my mother say "Jesus Christ Catherine that's ridiculous."....I don't think I was meant to hear it..but I did.  And that leads to another things.
I hate myself.  I'm so overweight. I feel terrible. I feel like I truly am not the beautiful person I know I can be.  I cant seem to resist eating everything. I want to lose weight so bad. but at the same time...I have no willpower.  I have no energy. But then again eating right and exercising costs money...It's not like I can just go outside in the 110 degree weather and take a walk...but by the time the end of the day rolls around and it cools down I just cannot motivate myself to move after working all day then coming home to make dinner and finish off my day...