Wednesday, November 24, 2004


It's a few days before Thanksgiving. I dont know what i'll be doing. i've been invited a few different places. But I have no desire to do anything. I will be working 8-5pm. I chose this so that I wouldnt have to suffer the entire day watching Thanksgiving shows with happy families everywhere. I sent my sister $25.00 to buy a ham or turkey and a few fixings. I know it's not much. But it's all I had. I need to buy my niece a Christmas present, and my mother and brother and grandparents. then i'm done. My Christmas list is now..........down to a total of six people. Less then half what I had two years ago. I miss my huge list. I know I used to spend hundreds of dollars. Now....I dont have a husband or his family to buy for and it hurts. I miss having his family in my life. Yet I dont think he even cares. His mother wrote me a letter which I happened to receive on my birthday. It said basically that she didnt want to talk to me anymore because it feels like every time she talks to me that she's betraying her son. What about me. I Know blood is thicker then water. But what about the nine years of my life that she was a mother too me. It doesnt matter anymore. My heart hurts so badly now that i've lost his family. I lost him...and his family....and no one seems to care.

I'm trying to date. I want to find someone to love, a companion, someone who cares about me. Why is this so hard? Why do I hold back any feelings. Is it because of him? Is it because I'm afraid of getting hurt. When it comes to men I either fall for them...or have no feelings whatsoever. it's like I cant just go ahead and slowly develop a great relationship. I dont know what the heck a relationship is supposed to be. My mother sure as hell never had a stable relationship. My father either. Both sets of grandparents and great grandparents did not have great relationships. Who the hell is my role model supposed to be? Sure not June Cleaver and family!!! But yet what can I do? Do I just not date and be that woman that lives on the corner with sixty cats in her house. spending all my time cleaning litter boxes and feeding cats? Or am I that bitter old woman that wants nothing to do with children even though I would love to raise a half dozen of them? What does life hold for me? What will my life hold in another year....five years.....fifty years? Only God knows. and only God can lead me in the right for me to listen to his directions.....


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